Procrastination

I’ve been dealing with procrastination for years, and in my final year of high school I thought that I’d finally broken away from it. I hadn’t everything in on time, and was always getting my homework done right away so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it later on. Unfortunately, this being my first year at university, it seems that I’ve been procrastinating the start of my assignments. I was aware of this essay weeks ago, it’s due next week and all I’ve done is decide on what it is I’m going to discuss. Essay’s haven’t really been my strong point…especially those awful five paragraph ones. I didn’t get the hang of essay writing until I was in the 12th grade. No one really took the time to teach me in elementary school, so when I got to high school I sort of pretended I knew how to do it and figured it out…well…sort of. At least I was getting B’s on my work rather than C’s.

So I’ve been here since 11 am trying to start an essay. I’ve got my notes nicely laid out, a couple scribbles about what it is I want to say. I reread one of the texts I want to discuss and then I thought “I’m going to watch something” however the show not only irritated me but it infuriated me. It is one of my favourite shows and I just got annoyed with the way that the writers have been reusing scenarios over and over again throughout the series and just changing the characters in each. I understand that it isn’t always easy to come up with new ideas, but I also feel like writers are wasting their talent when they do things like that. Here I am, trying to think of a good thesis for my essay and these guys are just reusing the same scenes? Seriously?

I understand that that sort of thing pays the bills, but I strongly believe that you should be writing for yourself with an audience in mind not writing for an audience and putting all of your ideas to the side. Sure getting feed back from your audience worked for Charles Dickens (whose novels I enjoy reading in my spare time) but will you actually be happy with the final product?

Many writers who were pressured into going with one ending, or removing scenes are chapters were unsatisfied with the way their stories were presented in the end. A lot of them republished their novels and plays with “new” endings, putting back what was originally there in order to stop torturing themselves.

I know that I myself would not be happy handing in this essay for example, if I knew that it was not my best work. If it doesn’t satisfy what I believe to be good, than it cannot satisfy anyone else.

As I write this I continue to put off the creation of my thesis, however I’m writing something and that will put me in a writing mood (hopefully). I even cleaned my room so that I could have clear thoughts while studying for my exams. The sooner I finish this essay, the sooner I can begin preparing for my exams.

I’ve procrastinated everything that wasn’t for marks it seems. I will defeat this monster…I will. I just need to remember what got me to fight against procrastination the first time. I don’t think it was just having a spare period to work on assignments. Maybe it was because the people that I was surrounding myself with were working hard as well? I’m not too sure.

Anyone out there have the same problem? I seriously need help…I don’t want to procrastinate studying (I usually don’t but my parents aren’t around to nag me).

Well…I’ve got about 20 minutes to come up with a thesis. I sort of have one now…. Ha I’ll use this. It sucks now but I’ll fix it up later. I just wanna get this thing started.

Hope everyone is enjoying their week so far!

– O. Ryder

National Novel Writing Month: Quick Writing Tip

I didn’t know that there was a website for National Novel Writing Month…so when I found out I thought, well why not join it and check it out. I’ll be sure to give it a review later once I’ve explored it. I think a community where writers are able to support one another is absolutely fantastic. Actually, I was invited to join a writing community at my school…I just haven’t attended any of the meetings yet…as I don’t know where it is exactly and I’m weird about sharing my novels with people.

I was given a word of advice from a Canadian author last year at a workshop I attended (my first workshop actually), and she told us, “Never let anyone read your rough draft before it’s complete.”

When she said that I was kind of shocked. I thought to myself, “But I used to do that all the time?” at that point I limited sharing my novels to my younger sister.

She then continued to say, “When people give you feedback before it’s complete you start writing for them, and stop writing for yourself.”

I knew at that moment that she was right. Whenever I had written things in the past and had gotten feedback from people, I took their suggestions. My novel wasn’t complete yet…and when it was things got even more complex because I was unable to satisfy all these people’s suggestions. I was no longer happy with my work. That’s why it took my nearly 7 years to say, “Okay…we’re moving on to something new.”

I was trying to edit the official version of that said novel…but I was working on other ones as well including sequels to the novel. There are…what, 6 books? I had so much free time as a kid. I mean I guess I’m still a “kid,” but I’m a busier kid now that I’m in university.

Well just thought I’d share this link…didn’t think I’d end up writing this much.

Who else is excited for the weekend?

http://nanowrimo.org/

Writing Update (…Well Sort Of)

So, after months of leaving home, I finally wrote something. I’m not exactly sure of why but I just sort of felt like I needed to pound on this keyboard of mine early in the morning. It was completely unrelated to my novel, but it was still something. After I’ve finished this assignment I’ve been forcing myself to type up (I’m literally gritting my teeth while thinking about it), then I’ll try and get back to doing what I love most. It’s been a long time since I’ve finished a book in only a couple of hours. I was assigned Catcher in the Rye as one of my readings for this year. My professor told us it was her favourite novel…I can see why. I could relate to Holden. I mean, not the whole getting kicked out of school, or losing your brother thing…but this whole drifting around thing. Making up stories for the heck of it, hating when people were wasting their talent when they could be doing so much more with it, longing for company (mine’s a little different than the kind of company he’s into though…ha…ha…ha….). It’s been a while since I’ve read a book where I’ve wanted to meet the characters. The last time I read a book like that was in the 8th grade I believe. It was the Outsiders. It’s one of my favourite novels. I’m surprised that I don’t own it. I will someday.

The first novel I wrote was about a boy a lot like Holden. Just floating around, thinking about death…he was a pretty depressing kid honestly…but everyone loved him. There wasn’t much to like about the guy honestly. He was a liar, he wasn’t a good friend…and even though he tried to be good for his folks, he sucked at that too. He was flunking his math class, and couldn’t seem to do anything write, especially when it came to girls. When I wrote this book, I didn’t know a thing about relationships…I still don’t. I know more than I did then. I could probably fake that I know what I’m talking about, but to be honest, I don’t. I thought I was in love once…and it hurt. It hurt like…when my sister punches me in the shoulder repeatedly for five minutes because she’s bored and has nothing better to do with her time.

Well I’d better go. I’ve got a class…I just randomly thought I’d post this. I haven’t blogged much in a while. It’s not that I’m busy…I mean I should be busy…but it’s something else. Something I just can’t describe.

I was going to tell you about my great-grandfather…he served during the war…but I didn’t. I think I’ll wait until later, when I’ve got more time to talk.

Train of Thought(s)

agefoto_rm_photo_of_child_waking_in_night

So it’s 1 am, and I’m so tired that my minds running like a get away train.

You know when you’re about to fall asleep and all those thoughts come rushing in, so you start thinking all these really deep things.

For example, last night before falling asleep I questioned why I was wearing black all week. I sure wasn’t grieving. I mean, nobody died… then I thought, “Maybe I’m just reflecting what I’m feeling on the inside? I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps…let’s face it I’m depressed.”

When you actually admit it to yourself, there’s this feeling you get. It’s not this feeling that you’re depressed, it’s this feeling like your choking from the inside. Like you wanna scream but you can’t.

I try not to admit those kind of things to myself. I’m scared of being crazy. I don’t think I’m crazy, but if I were crazy I don’t think anyone would ever talk to me. I’m lonely enough thanks. Just thinking things like that bugs me. Then again, a lot of things bug me lately. It rains too much, it’s too cold, people are too damn loud or too damn quiet. There’s not enough lighting, or it’s too bright. I’m thinking so much about everything that I can’t think at all. Its driving me up the wall. Up. The. Bloody. Wall.

You ever feel like you just wanna hit somebody? You know you won’t actually hit anyone, but you want to. You just wanna clench your fist and swing your arm real fast till smack, there she goes…and you can just stare at yourself in disbelief because you really hit that guy. Poor fella…didn’t really deserve it. You were just having a bad day.

I’ve felt like hitting someone lately and that someone is myself. Talk about beating yourself up. I literally would love to. If I could, I’d clone myself and beat myself to a pulp…I call myself an idiot in my head. I do it all the time. I’d never say it aloud. That’d be admitting to it. When words are said out loud they come true. They don’t come true when you think and un-think them. All this thinking and un-thinking…exhausting. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep. My minds racing. Worst part of it is, I can function on little sleep without coffee. I’ve had coffee twice in my life. It’s awful stuff. Bitter. I’ve got a sweet tooth. I’d rather drink pop or a cup of tea with three large spoons of sugar. That’s why I’ve had so many cavities in the past…it’s all this dang sugar. I can’t wait till I can go home. Don’t get me wrong, living on my own is fun and all, I can leave my room messy without my mom nagging me about it, and I don’t have anyone complaining to me about anything, but I need to get home. I feel like if I don’t get home I’ll break.

One can pretend they’re okay for so long until they just break.

I’m so tired my eyes sting. They’re watering. I’d sleep if I could…I sure would…but these dang thoughts just keep on coming. I’ve gotta get up for class at 8 am. It’s 2 now. I’m feeling hungry, light headed…feeling awful. Just awful. Why can’t I just push a button and say, “Racing thoughts let me sleep. Do not make another peep!” These thoughts make me sad…real sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Guess there is something wrong with me. I still haven’t changed outta these dirty clothes and I’m talking to a brick wall. Yah a bloody, cold brick wall. Nothing’s getting through that thing. If I were a brick wall I’d be better off. No more of this feeling like beating myself up and curling up at night staring at the ceiling. No more being a big suck. No sir, I’d be unmovable…unless you took something and smashed me in. You’d need a wrecking ball for that. Sadly, I’m no brick wall….not emotionally anyways.

Some people must think I’m unapproachable but I just don’t approach people. There’s a difference. I like people. I like to watch them, talk to them….but I over think before I say anything. So instead of worrying myself about what I should say, I don’t say anything at all. Makes things much easier on me…being shy and all.

These are the kind of things that run through my head constantly. It’s like a runaway train. There’s no stopping it. It just keeps speeding down this track. I never know where it’ll end up…I think that’s the depressing part. Not knowing.