The Fall

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the-fall

The Fall, O. Ryder. Sept 26th, 2016.

 

The Fall

By O. Ryder

I realized that I didn’t own a hairdryer when my sister’s wet towel brushed against my skin last night. It was cold. It soothed the pain my bear arms but I moved it away, onto her lap. Whenever someone wore a towel on their head I imagined the Virgin Mary.

“It’s cold.”

She looked at me, big eyes glaring. “I just washed my hair.” Always glaring.

In that moment I felt stupid. Glaring eyes often made me feel as though I’d done something stupid.

Always glaring. Always stupid.

I felt uneasy as she pressed her back into my pillow. The olive green towel reminded me of my sweater: how it hung on her and how her gold strands clung to it as she rested against me.

I wasn’t attracted to blondes, I told myself. She was pretty but plain. I liked dark hair. I liked dark hair and warm eyes. No glaring. Never glaring.

My sister elbowed me. Woke me from my trance. Told me Dad wanted to talk.

My eyes left the green and my hands found the phone. I wondered why I had been in such a daze. Wet hair was soft, I thought. I haven’t worn that sweater in a long time.

I talked. He talked. He hung up.

Whenever we spoke lately he felt as though he was keeping me away from something. I just had trouble finding things to talk about. I wanted to hear warmth in his voice.

Everything died in the Fall. The plants, the insects, Granddad. Even some of the Angels died in the Fall.

Love blossomed in the Fall, but made me feel dead.

I was not fond of the weather. It was deceiving. Deceiving Canadian Fall.

The weather was as schizophrenic as our identity. Some said they felt it was bipolar…perhaps…perhaps.

Always glaring. Always falling. Always stupid. Always dead.

I wondered how anyone could rest their head in such a messy room. It smelt of burnt popcorn, wet towels and cologne.

And those golden strands had smelt like summer.

She was the Summer. I the Fall.

For once I had fallen, she had fled. As the warmth does when death comes.

She was Life. I Death.

Despite wishing, I represented the end.

“I love this sweater.” she said.

I said nothing.

She wrapped her fingers in mine. It felt uncomfortable.

“Wanna cuddle?”

I remembered the wet green towel. My sister was asking for the phone back. I placed it in her hand. I watched the television. You could get lost in the television. No thoughts. Always glaring. Always stupid. Always wishing.

 

Possible Break…?

I may possibly take a break from everything depending on my mood, and the level of stress I have over the next little while. I’m feeling a little down…that’s an understatement…but it doesn’t matter. Anyway, to avoid depressing all of my readers, I think it would be best if I just took a couple of days to cheer up. I’m going to go for a run or something today to clear my head. I need the exercise…I need the clear head.

I wish I wasn’t behind in my readings for class. After Saturday I think I only got two of my readings done out of seven. No…I did three. I just couldn’t focus, which is funny because now I feel like getting swallowed up by the pages of a good book. My mind is the best place to hide…and the words make good hiding places.

I’ve tried drawing, writing…and I just feel empty. I’ll keep pushing myself. I’ll be able to do it. I guess I’m afraid of being lost in my own thoughts right now.

To avoid making myself feel any worse I shall end this here.

Till next time.

— R.

 

 

Pounding out the Pain

At the moment I have the same song on repeat (in a language I don’t understand),blasting in my ears because my head is pounding. I know that might sound weird but for some reason all the sound going into my head helps whenever I had a headache.

I’m trying very hard to fall asleep but it isn’t working. I’m just having one of those days.

Hopefully I feel a lot better in the morning. All I seemed to do today in class was sketch pictures of people. I barely remember anything at all from my 9pm lecture…except that I had to hand in a write up at the end…and I’m not sure if what I wrote even made any sense what so ever. I don’t even know if I answered the question….I wrote stuff though. My name was on it.

I’ll try and blog something more interesting when I’m feeling better. Maybe I’ll get a snapshot of my random drawings from class and stuff.

— R.

What is this Post?

I think I may have a cold, due to my serious lack of sleep and exercise in the last week. I’ve just had no time to catch up, and I keep waking up at weird hours in the morning.

I feel like I have to sneeze but can’t. My throats sore and I kind of feel like…a zombie. Like I feel like going “braaaaaains” but instead of eating brains I’m eating an apple…which is like the fruit of knowledge right? So basically the same thing.

I don’t know what I’m saying. Ha, ha! Okay bye for now.

— R.

My Favourite Insomniac

I’m currently feeling exhausted…which makes me want to write about my favourite insomniac, who has so far received 30 pages of sleepless nights, pizza and Lacrimosa on repeat. However this is a rewrite/expansion of a short story I began back in high school. Actually I entered it into a local competition. Obviously I didn’t win, or else I would have shared that story here on my blog. I hadn’t mastered the short story then to be honest. I’ve managed to get the hang of it though, thanks to years and years of practice.

Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I won’t. I mean…I just got back to my place, but I’ve been tired since yesterday. It is weird how every time I feel sleepy I feel like working on this novel. Its sort of something I’ve been writing on the side, so I don’t necessarily know when it will be complete, but I actually really like the characters. Ha…I end up loving all my characters, even the jerks. Eh…I think I will take a nap. I don’t have anything else to do right now. Not going out anywhere.

— R.

Cancer

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One kiss.

A peck…

A hello?

A goodbye?

What am I doing?

What should I do?

I feel useless.

I feel horrible.

I feel this pain

While you’re engulfed in it

Only to be soothed by medication

Which always hinders our conversations.

Hugs are too painful.

Yet, you’ve always given bear hugs.

Now I hate myself for not being affectionate enough.

No amount of drawings on the fridge,

Or quiet afternoons playing boardgames

Can take away that feeling of guilt.

You’re her everything.

You’re their brother.

You’re their father, grandfather, uncle…

And I’m the grandchild who has to force

One kiss…

Peck…

Upon your foreheard

Because I’m not sure what I should say to you.

Can you even hear me?

I don’t see you for months

Suddenly you’re pale.

But they lied to me and pretended everything was fine

Because I had exams.

Because it was my birthday.

Because my sister had prom.

Because everyone else was living

While you were slowly fading.

We’ve both always been quiet people.

Although everyone thinks you’re serious

I know you’re hilarious.

I’m sure it must’ve hurt your feelings when

I asked why you had a big hole in your head.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know what going bald was at the time.

I guess I was expecting to see another face appear.

Everyone had eyes on the backs of their heads then.

And I didn’t know your mother died of cancer.

Not until last night.

Which makes the strange dreams…or nightmares

More unnerving.

I don’t know how to react to them.

Dreams of death.

Dreams of loneliness.

Dreams where I wake up and beg to cry

Just shed one tear for my uncle

For my grandfather…

And I can’t.

I know I’m not heartless

I think I was prepared for this.

I think I knew that you’d grown thin

And your hair would fall out.

I’m sorry for seeming so distant

I just don’t know what to do or say.

I’ve always been this way.

I sit quietly,

I shrug my shoulders,

I look out the window and watch the birds.

I think of anything,

And avoid the present.

That is how I cope.

I escape.

I run.

And I’m fast.

The other kids have always said that.

I’m a runner.

I can go for hours,

Sprinting in the wind

While my thoughts that

Had raced in my head are left behind me.

Far behind.

Yet I haven’t run since spring.

I stopped running away.

And although I sat by your bed quietly,

Awkwardly,

Just staring at anything else,

I was in the present.

I didn’t run away in my head.

I didn’t try to.

I wanted to talk to you

But I didn’t know what to say.

I hope you don’t think I’m afraid of you,

Because I’m not.

I just don’t know what to do.

You all lied to me and said everything was fine.

You all lied.

If no one had kept secrets

We could have done things differently,

And you wouldn’t have to feel as though you need to stay

And suffer longer because she’s scared to lose you.

You have sons that live too far

And grandchildren all growing up too fast…

And while we grow up, you grow old,

and the cancer grows….

Why does cancer grow?

Growth is supposed to be green

And lush and life giving…

Not…this.

This isn’t…what I expected.

I don’t want you to die.

People who die become almost…

Almost like they never existed.

They just become apart of the world I escape to in my head.

So if you die, I’ll end up running to you…

Every time I run away.

I’ll just run and run and run….

And end up somewhere…which is really no where.

Reality is here.

Reality is now.

Adults don’t play pretend.

Adults don’t have that freedom.

I’m supposed to grow up,

Not get out.

Although I feel my age,

I still like to play hide-n-seek in my head.

I don’t know what to do.

Someone tell me how to help.

How can I fix things?

How can I make everyone smile?

I just want everyone to be happy.

I don’t want to make anyone worry.

Children don’t have to do this,

and although I’m someones child

I am not a child.

I’m an adult

And this is called cancer.

This is a disease,

And they need me.

Because while they’re struggling

To keep it together,

I have to stay together…

together, here.

In reality.

Not in my head.

Not in my endless stories.

Here.

When I’m around them

I’m here.

I’m right here,

In a kiss…

In a peck on your forehead.

I’m saying I’ll be strong,

For her, for my parents, uncles, siblings.

I’m not a cry baby anymore.

They don’t know it yet,

But they will.

I don’t cry anymore.

I don’t run anymore.

I’m not a child anymore.

And I don’t see you fraile,

When I think about you.

I don’t think of you laying in bed.

I think about you making me a kite,

watering yor plants,

shoveling the drive way,

building a snowman,

raking the leaves,

drinking your coffee,

telling me stories.

You’re still a giant in my mind.

And how you manage not to cry

When you’re in so much pain…

Makes me realize I have no right to shed any tears

Over trivial things.

So I haven’t.

I won’t.

I can bury it deep within

And stay strong

And tell myself lies.

I hope you don’t feel bad

Because I don’t know what to say…

I’m sorry.

I hope the kiss…

Peck…

Shows you I’m being brave.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Very Long Update

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So I recently moved back into my apartment…and have been a bit stressful. First we had no power, and when I left on Friday we had no internet access. Great right? Somehow I’ve managed to stay as optimistic as I possibly can. I mean, because the library isn’t too far. I can just print off my homework and such there.

It’s nice that I was able to come home this weekend and visit with my family. Although this visit wasn’t exactly planned. My parents didn’t expect to see me until October, however there was a bunch of stuff that needed to be dealt with at home. So a nice long three hour bus ride and I’m back to my tiny bed, in my tiny room, with my piano, guitar and row of tiny pointless soccer trophies.

Despite the situation at my apartment my classes have been going well so far. I mean, I’ve only been going at it for a week. I’m pretty bummed out that one of my friends were unable to come to school this year, but I only have to government to blame for that. I live in one of the most “educated” countries in the world and yet the majority of the people are in so much debt after they finish university that they spend the rest of their lives trying not to drown in debt.

I’m almost done my undergraduate. Its pretty weird to think about. Like, here I am on this teeny tiny budget, almost finished my degree, single and seriously not looking forward to returning to my previous summer job. I can survive on my tiny budget for a while. I don’t eat much, nor do I spend a lot of money. I also have a gift card so I’m able to purchase a lot of my books using that. Actually…my sister and I have been getting by lately solely on our collection of gift cards. So thank you to all those lovely folks who gave us gift cards for Christmas and such. You’re all fantastic!

Seriously though, gift cards for the movies, for books, for clothes, for restaurants. With all these gift cards I can entertain, clothe and feed myself for around $25 and I don’t have to spend any of my hard earned money. All I have to worry about is paying rent.

I suppose a writing update is in order. I’ve currently put my book on hold until next month, just because I don’t want to try to publish it while I’m getting settled back into my school routine. But yah, getting ready for publishing. That’s exciting. My parents have been waiting since…April ha, ha. My other books are all going very well. If I feel stuck on one book I work on another. Doesn’t matter if I’m researching, planning, illustrating. I just have to be doing something art related. I’m not sure how many copies of my first book I’m going to publish or what sort of route I want to take. I’ve looked at all sorts of things with my Dad, and I’m doing my best to figure out the best plan for myself.

So once it is published, then I’ll probably make a really hyper-excited post about it. However right now I feel super drained…so I probably sound kind of blah. I went to bed earlier than usual, but I think I burnt myself out earlier in the week and now it’s catching up to me. I guess I could technically try to lay back down or a bit, but my parents said we were hitting the road early morning. I always assume that early morning is around seven or eight? Apparently its like eleven to everyone else in my family.

Alrighty then. Well, I’ve wanted to post something for weeks now and I finally was able to…since I have power and access to the web. I would’ve blogged at the library but I get a little shy writing around other people…or drawing. I can doodle and write poetry on my stuff no problem but that’s when I’m confident no one is paying any attention to me. If I’m one of those people who doesn’t like being hovered over while I work. Been that way since I was a little kid. I like my space.

Okie, dokie. I will let you all know how the publishing process goes once I begin that. Should be exciting. In the meantime, I’ve got to double check that I put all my homework back into my backpack.

Till next time,

— R.

 

Back to Uni

Back to school again. I managed to complete one of my summer projects before leaving. I’ve got a little more I’d like to add to it, but I reached my deadline which is awesome.

As for classes, I haven’t started yet but I’m pretty pumped for this semester. There’s a lot going on this week for all of the first year students, but I’ve seen a couple of my classmates around. My little sister is now my roommate, since she got accepted into a pretty great program at my school. She’s a smarty-pants. I’ve been warned constantly not to be bossy by my parents, but so far I think I’ve been pretty bossy about certain things. I like to remind her that we are living with a third person, and that we need to make sure we keep the place neat and tidy.

Well, my other roommate has arrived. I’m kind of hiding out in my room at the moment, because I just started to take a nap when my sister told me they showed up. I’m not sure if she even introduced herself at all, but they’re busy putting away groceries and stuff.

I’m excited to share my project with all of you when its 100% ready. Hopefully I can do so by October, since I couldn’t bring it with me to the apartment. We had a full car, haha.

Till next time,

— R.

The Deadline Approaches

Well, I’ve actually given myself a deadline to complete my work. I even wrote it out on the calendar, so my family can make sure I get it done. So far I’ve gotten a lot of work done. I guess I just needed to force myself to do it, rather than lounging around and waiting for a time when I was “in the mood,” to do work.

I’m excited to finally get this done.

Until next time,

— R.

Nearing the End

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The other evening it occurred to me that I’m coming close to the end of two of my projects. One is at the point where it could be complete within a couple hours of hard work, and the other is almost ready for its first round of editing.

Although I didn’t meet my original goal, which was to have them complete by the end of May, I did manage to stay true to my word and get them done before the end of the summer.

With all that has been going on since I arrived back from school, I know that I pushed off my work. I made money, I ran back and forth, I packed, I cleaned, I entertained…but in my free time, rather than work on my personal creative projects I instead focused on keeping an eye on my loved ones. I suppose I was more concerned about everyone’s wellbeing and feared that if I slipped into my own worlds, I’d want to escape for days at a time. I’ve done it before. So rather than write or draw, I just made up stories in my head or read books. When I was exhausted I stayed in bed for hours and did nothing but trace the patterns on my blankets while creating stories in my head. For some reason whenever I feel seriously tired, it is harder for me to fall asleep.

Anyway, I thought I would share my excitement with you.

P.S right now its 7:45 am where I live. That means that no one woke me up in the middle of the night because she couldn’t sleep. She had to go back home…which is a little sad, but I got a hug that apparently never, ever, ever, EVER goes away, so I’ll survive until our next visit.

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Image from Ponyo

 

 

Maybe in my next post I’ll be finished my work? We’ll see!

— R.