Cancer

One kiss.

A peck…

A hello?

A goodbye?

What am I doing?

What should I do?

I feel useless.

I feel horrible.

I feel this pain

While you’re engulfed in it

Only to be soothed by medication

Which always hinders our conversations.

Hugs are too painful.

Yet, you’ve always given bear hugs.

Now I hate myself for not being affectionate enough.

No amount of drawings on the fridge,

Or quiet afternoons playing boardgames

Can take away that feeling of guilt.

You’re her everything.

You’re their brother.

You’re their father, grandfather, uncle…

And I’m the grandchild who has to force

One kiss…

Peck…

Upon your foreheard

Because I’m not sure what I should say to you.

Can you even hear me?

I don’t see you for months

Suddenly you’re pale.

But they lied to me and pretended everything was fine

Because I had exams.

Because it was my birthday.

Because my sister had prom.

Because everyone else was living

While you were slowly fading.

We’ve both always been quiet people.

Although everyone thinks you’re serious

I know you’re hilarious.

I’m sure it must’ve hurt your feelings when

I asked why you had a big hole in your head.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know what going bald was at the time.

I guess I was expecting to see another face appear.

Everyone had eyes on the backs of their heads then.

And I didn’t know your mother died of cancer.

Not until last night.

Which makes the strange dreams…or nightmares

More unnerving.

I don’t know how to react to them.

Dreams of death.

Dreams of loneliness.

Dreams where I wake up and beg to cry

Just shed one tear for my uncle

For my grandfather…

And I can’t.

I know I’m not heartless

I think I was prepared for this.

I think I knew that you’d grown thin

And your hair would fall out.

I’m sorry for seeming so distant

I just don’t know what to do or say.

I’ve always been this way.

I sit quietly,

I shrug my shoulders,

I look out the window and watch the birds.

I think of anything,

And avoid the present.

That is how I cope.

I escape.

I run.

And I’m fast.

The other kids have always said that.

I’m a runner.

I can go for hours,

Sprinting in the wind

While my thoughts that

Had raced in my head are left behind me.

Far behind.

Yet I haven’t run since spring.

I stopped running away.

And although I sat by your bed quietly,

Awkwardly,

Just staring at anything else,

I was in the present.

I didn’t run away in my head.

I didn’t try to.

I wanted to talk to you

But I didn’t know what to say.

I hope you don’t think I’m afraid of you,

Because I’m not.

I just don’t know what to do.

You all lied to me and said everything was fine.

You all lied.

If no one had kept secrets

We could have done things differently,

And you wouldn’t have to feel as though you need to stay

And suffer longer because she’s scared to lose you.

You have sons that live too far

And grandchildren all growing up too fast…

And while we grow up, you grow old,

and the cancer grows….

Why does cancer grow?

Growth is supposed to be green

And lush and life giving…

Not…this.

This isn’t…what I expected.

I don’t want you to die.

People who die become almost…

Almost like they never existed.

They just become apart of the world I escape to in my head.

So if you die, I’ll end up running to you…

Every time I run away.

I’ll just run and run and run….

And end up somewhere…which is really no where.

Reality is here.

Reality is now.

Adults don’t play pretend.

Adults don’t have that freedom.

I’m supposed to grow up,

Not get out.

Although I feel my age,

I still like to play hide-n-seek in my head.

I don’t know what to do.

Someone tell me how to help.

How can I fix things?

How can I make everyone smile?

I just want everyone to be happy.

I don’t want to make anyone worry.

Children don’t have to do this,

and although I’m someones child

I am not a child.

I’m an adult

And this is called cancer.

This is a disease,

And they need me.

Because while they’re struggling

To keep it together,

I have to stay together…

together, here.

In reality.

Not in my head.

Not in my endless stories.

Here.

When I’m around them

I’m here.

I’m right here,

In a kiss…

In a peck on your forehead.

I’m saying I’ll be strong,

For her, for my parents, uncles, siblings.

I’m not a cry baby anymore.

They don’t know it yet,

But they will.

I don’t cry anymore.

I don’t run anymore.

I’m not a child anymore.

And I don’t see you fraile,

When I think about you.

I don’t think of you laying in bed.

I think about you making me a kite,

watering yor plants,

shoveling the drive way,

building a snowman,

raking the leaves,

drinking your coffee,

telling me stories.

You’re still a giant in my mind.

And how you manage not to cry

When you’re in so much pain…

Makes me realize I have no right to shed any tears

Over trivial things.

So I haven’t.

I won’t.

I can bury it deep within

And stay strong

And tell myself lies.

I hope you don’t feel bad

Because I don’t know what to say…

I’m sorry.

I hope the kiss…

Peck…

Shows you I’m being brave.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s