The Ramblings of an Over Tired Writer

I’ve been really tired lately…and I know that it’s probably my own fault. I don’t sleep. I crawl into bed at night, and I read. I don’t know when I end up going to bed most of the time. It’s pretty bad. I hate feeling tired.

I can’t keep my eyes open and I’m bleeding for some odd reason. Who knew such a small cut would gush out so much blood? It stings too. I felt like a baby trying to clean it out.

I want to go back to bed. I want to be a responsible adult. Decisions, decisions. If I go back to sleep who knows if I’ll be up and ready to go by twelve or eleven o’clock? Besides, I’m already dressed.

I honestly can’t fall asleep without reading these days. Even if I’m tired, I stay up and I read for an hour or two. If I don’t I just lie there and stare at walls, or memorize the patterns on my pillow case.

Writing about not sleeping is making me feel sleepy.

I really just want to stay home but I know if I do I’ll regret it. I’m that person who will think on a decision for hours upon hours. That’s probably why I’m always lying in bed thinking. Sometimes I just end up in a mood where I don’t really feel like doing anything at all. Then I’ll sleep for half the day and later beat myself up for wasting time.

Last night before falling asleep I was thinking about how great it would be if I never got tired, and I could just be awake all the time. I’d get so many things done. I seem to always want to do everything around 8pm. You’d think I’d learn that it’s easier to work during the day time.

Maybe I will go back to bed for an hour? At this rate I really don’t feel like running around trying to get stuff done before my lab. Not to mention I can’t really keep my eyes open. I need to fix my sleep schedule. I really need  set bedtime. I have morning classes. I’ll need to be in class at 9am for the rest of the week. Thank goodness I don’t have many classes this semester.

I think I’m just burnt out after working two jobs all summer and from last school years mess of events…. I was beyond stressed. I don’t know how I got through all of that. I guess being stupidly optimistic about things is a good trait…always trying to see the bright side of every situation. Still…I can’t help but feel that all traits have binaries. There’s a good and bad side to everything. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately when creating characters. I realize that the their strengths are  also their flaws. For example, say there’s a character named Alfonse…just because I wanna give them a name…anyway Alfonse is a very passionate and dedicated person. Although those sound like good traits, they can also be bad. Sometimes passion drives us to do things that we later regret…and sometimes we dedicate ourselves to things that in reality weren’t worth all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into it. Optimistic people are always trying to keep things bright and full of energy but when it isn’t good to always turn a blind eye to your current situation. Sometimes we are given certain challenges so that we can grow. If you keep avoiding everything, or sugar-coating your situation, you won’t grow and it will slowly become something that you’re unable to control. People who are empathetic, tend to carry too much on their shoulders. They’re constantly trying to fix things while they fall apart themselves.

I don’t really know how I went from talking about sleep to my strange thought process…but these are the types of things that pop into my head whenever I try to fall asleep. Even now, before I close my laptop and throw a blanket over my head, I’ll probably end up thinking “Why did I go back to sleep? I could’ve finished all of this stuff by now. Why did I waste all this time? I hate when I do this….” I’m glad I don’t take any medication to help me sleep. I’m a light sleeper…but I love to dream…that is when I do sleep. Dreams are interesting. I guess if I’m dreaming then I am awake even when I’m asleep. I see things. I go places. I get a lot done. Sometimes I’m sad when I wake up from a good dream. It’s like you live this different life and then BAM, you’re back in reality.

 

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