Hopes and Fears

In our lives there will always be hopes and fears popping in and out of our heads. Some nights they dance about as I try to shut my eyes and scatter about the room as I toss and turn, trying to settle my mind. When I wake up I’m in a daze before they come rushing back.

I try to wake up feeling excited versus anxious, about the things to come. I try not to think of the ever-growing list of things I need to do for the day and take my time getting ready. Still by the time I realize I’m running behind schedule, these hopes and fears are there waiting by the door. I try to keep them locked up but they must have figured out how to climb through the window.

No matter. I can always stick my headphones in and ignore them. The music will drown them out…although I do like the hopes very much, so I let them dance while I walk to the rhythm of the morning. They’re warm like the sun and brush gently across my skin. They make my heart pound heavily, but the heaviness is nice…it lets me know that I’m still alive and as I get lost in my hopes I pull out my phone and suddenly fear sinks its teeth into me.

Being late, not having things done, forgetting something back at home…all of the little fears that poke and pick at me throughout the day. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore them and other times I can’t. I think about kicking them, or stomping on them…but at the same time being so carefree isn’t always a good thing. Things need to get done. I have places I need to go, people I need to meet, work I need to finish…and the ever-growing list of little fears pushes me to get them done. My heart races when the fears start to slither about. They slip between my ankles, wrap around my throat…they nearly suffocate me…and yet I’m still alive.

My hopes  tug at me and my fears start to pull back. Both clawing at my arms and legs and face. I can’t seem to decide which way to go, so I sit in the grey…and I wait. I procrastinate. I pretend everything is nothing, and that nothing is everything. It’s a numb place to be, and very boring…there’s no music or colour. There are no hopes and no fears…so I let them back in and let the battle begin, until night-time comes again and I begin to dream.

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Selling Your Soul to Pay off Student Loans

Student’s find money stressful. Why? Well, books cost arm and a leg and applications cost you an organ or two and then paying back all of those loans…you’ll have to sell your soul.

It’s sad honestly how many nights I lie awake thinking about money. How much do I have for food? Do I have enough for rent? What happened to that money my uncle sent me for my birthday?

I was brought up knowing how to manage my money to some extent. For starters, I know that I am better off being sure that I have enough money to cover my rent for three to four months versus worrying about money for food. Food is important yes, but it’s less expensive than rent and if necessary I can live off of mac n’ cheese and toast.

Even though I try my best to budget and move numbers around I constantly feel uneasy about how much money I have. I try to make sure I have actual cash on hand in case of an emergency and also because I think it’s stupid to use debit for a purchase under $10, however despite taking these precautions it only seems to add to this weird…financial anxiety.

I’m not a big spender…unless you count books, but recently I’ve been reading comic books on Line Webtoon, so I’m not tempted to go out and buy a new book every chance I get. I also make sure to use my student discount every chance I get, and collect points at certain stores that I shop at frequently…like Chapters and Curry’s. It isn’t like I’m spending money every chance I get. The money I got for Christmas I used to pay for school and part of my rent…I still have bills to pay this week so that’ll be…just…yah.

I don’t know. If I could get a part-time job right now I would but my schedules packed…so I’m looking for paid surveys and things that I can do when I have an hour to myself or when I can’t fall asleep at night. I know that they increased minimum wage and all, but honestly…it isn’t going to make much of a difference. I worked two jobs over the summer, and I only made enough money to cover a few months of rent, and books. I have friends who work multiple jobs year round and I don’t know how they manage. I get worn out from placements, shows, meetings, classes and assignments. I can’t imagine doing all of that while working two jobs. They sad thing about my summer jobs is my one job caused a lot of unnecessary stress and my parents told me to quit, however I stayed because I knew I couldn’t afford to quit. That job was only part time on weekends. My other job was full-time during the week. I loved my full time job. I’d do it again in a heart beat. It’s closely related to what I’m going to school for anyways and I felt fulfilled doing it. Not to mention that people actually cared about my well-being and wanted to hire me as a private tutor for their kids. I’d be rich if I lived in town. I had to carpool with my Dad two hours every morning to work so…that’s the downside to the job.

I don’t know…I just wish things weren’t so expensive and I could live my life without having to freak out every time I spend a dime. I obviously can’t afford to buy a car any time soon. I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford one.

When my uncle was in university he could work all summer and have enough money to last him both semesters. I don’t understand why that had to change.

What I’d really like, is if school was free. I’m sure if it was they’d just charge us more for the textbooks though. They’ll get you one way or another.

Welp…this was my little rant about money. I’m hungry…so I’m going to try to think of what to eat.

Till next time,

–R.

Review Anxiety

I don’t know what else to call it. I’m just a student, but I’d say this feels a lot like leaving your new baby in the care of someone else for the first time.

It’s not the first time I’ve let other read my work and give me feedback, but it is the first time in a very, very long time. I’m anxiously waiting to know what they think…and praying that they like it.

It’s hard to share your writing with people, and it doesn’t get easier over time. Some times you become more comfortable with the person you’re sharing your work with, but even then it can be terrifying.

When I handed over my manuscript I wanted to vomit. I suppose the timing is a bit weird since I’m also pretty stressed out because of school still but whatever. Life is full of transitions and trials. It’s one thing after another.

While you’re waiting for your feedback it can be helpful to occupy yourself with another project. Keep writing!

–R.

Sticky Notes

Ten. Ten sticky notes piled on top of each other, looking like a game of Tetris. Each one a reminder.

Read this. Password for this. Pick up this.

The list goes on. A boring list that no one really cares for, especially not a person who procrastinates. So, why does the procrastinator strategically place these different coloured notes along the wall? Well, they need to know how long they can put off their work for. To procrastinate successfully, one must of course induce a sense of anxiety. They must watch as time shrinks away. Meaningless numbers seem to have meaning when they’re written out on paper. Deadlines and due dates and appointments. Just numbers. Who could have guessed that a small, yellow square could become so significant. Of course, once the task is complete there will be no reason to keep the note on the wall. No, it’ll be crumpled up and tossed into the trash, along with other useless things. Like old symbols on an ancient ruin, it will have lost its meaning. Then there will be another to take its place, and it will linger on the wall until it too is tossed away. Insignificant numbers, on insignificant pieces of paper.

Listed on the Syllabus

Essays, reports, labs, presentations…all of them piling up right before the final exams (or in some cases midterms…if you’re lucky). All of these things popping up outta no where!

“They’re listed right here on the syllabus.”

“Where?”

“Page two. Here, where it says, ‘November such-and-such, Assignment Due.'”

“Aw…yah…I see it now. Yah…it’s there. It didn’t just magically appear outta thin air. But I didn’t get the outline for the assignment till last week. I barely had any time.”

“You had time to go and grab poutine.”

“Yah but–”

“And you had time to see Doctor Strange.”

“Yah but–”

“And you had time to order a pizza and play video games until midnight.”

“Yah but I–”

“You have no excuse. You just procrastinated. You put it off too long. And now, you’re stressed out.”

“Wish we could turn back tiiiiiiime…to the good old daaaaays…”

“Shut up! No singing! Sit you butt down and do your work!”

“But I’m hungry.”

“Yah…me too. Let’s go get food.”

“But…I have to do my assignment.”

“Eh…you’ve got till Thursday. There’s plenty of time!”

“It’s Tuesday….”

“Just…pull an all-nighter.”

“Last time I did that…I didn’t do so well on my assignment.”

“Do you sit around and complain all day? Jeez, I’m leaving.”

“Okay bye….”


The line, “Wish we could turn back time to the good old days,” is from Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots.

Anyway, this dialogue just sort of happened all on its own. Hope it made you chuckle a little. I have a habit of inserting song lyrics into actual conversations I have with my siblings…and myself. Since this dialogue is me talking to myself. Happens a lot…yet, why question my sanity?