Hopes and Fears

In our lives there will always be hopes and fears popping in and out of our heads. Some nights they dance about as I try to shut my eyes and scatter about the room as I toss and turn, trying to settle my mind. When I wake up I’m in a daze before they come rushing back.

I try to wake up feeling excited versus anxious, about the things to come. I try not to think of the ever-growing list of things I need to do for the day and take my time getting ready. Still by the time I realize I’m running behind schedule, these hopes and fears are there waiting by the door. I try to keep them locked up but they must have figured out how to climb through the window.

No matter. I can always stick my headphones in and ignore them. The music will drown them out…although I do like the hopes very much, so I let them dance while I walk to the rhythm of the morning. They’re warm like the sun and brush gently across my skin. They make my heart pound heavily, but the heaviness is nice…it lets me know that I’m still alive and as I get lost in my hopes I pull out my phone and suddenly fear sinks its teeth into me.

Being late, not having things done, forgetting something back at home…all of the little fears that poke and pick at me throughout the day. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore them and other times I can’t. I think about kicking them, or stomping on them…but at the same time being so carefree isn’t always a good thing. Things need to get done. I have places I need to go, people I need to meet, work I need to finish…and the ever-growing list of little fears pushes me to get them done. My heart races when the fears start to slither about. They slip between my ankles, wrap around my throat…they nearly suffocate me…and yet I’m still alive.

My hopes  tug at me and my fears start to pull back. Both clawing at my arms and legs and face. I can’t seem to decide which way to go, so I sit in the grey…and I wait. I procrastinate. I pretend everything is nothing, and that nothing is everything. It’s a numb place to be, and very boring…there’s no music or colour. There are no hopes and no fears…so I let them back in and let the battle begin, until night-time comes again and I begin to dream.

The End: Novel Update

November 29th, 2013 I began writing this novel. At the time I had been taking a break from writing, as I’d been going through serious writers block. Then I came up with an entirely new story, that was begging to be written. Today, November 29th, 2016 I completed this novel…and after working on it for the last three years I don’t know what to do with myself.

I mean, it is broken up into three books, so I can begin working on part two but…whoa. Three years of my life. I wonder how much my writing style has changed between the first and last paragraphs. I wrote two-hundred and forty pages. Well then. That’s neat.

I don’t know how to react right now. I randomly started tearing up, and now I feel like running around and shouting to the heavens, “I did it! I finished!”

To think I’d had serious writers block before starting this novel. It was at the beginning of the 9th grade, and I’d written six books in a series. I was trying to edit them all…and I’d realized that there were too many loose ends and a lot of things that needed work. While I was editing them, I kept trying to start other novels and I’d write a couple of chapters and then give up. It was horrible. Then I fell in love with the idea of this novel, simply because of an image from a dream I had. The novel haunted me. I tried to push it out of my head but it needed to be written. Now it is finally finished…whoa. This is so weird.

I have such mixed feelings right now. I managed to reach my goal. I just thought it would be cool to finish on the same day that I’d started, I guess determination is really…important. Now I feel like I can accomplish anything. I’m going to begin editing this as soon as all of my essays are done. This is so awesome.

 

Whoa…I feel like I’m all over the place right now. I just read a bit of the first page and I was like “Wow…my writing has gotten a lot better. Thank you creative writing courses.” This is just too much for me to take in right now.

Especially since I was having such a hard time earlier this year and over the summer. I’d felt as though I’d barely had any time to write this year but I still managed to reach my goal.

For those of you still working away at your novels, keep going. Even if it takes you three or four years to complete a work, the feeling when you’ve finished…I can’t explain it but it is wonderful. I haven’t felt like this since the day I finished writing my first book.

This is just awesome. Okay…goodbye for now.

–R.

Are You Nervous?

Today a friend of mine asked if I felt nervous about graduating high school.
My answer to her was, “No. Actually, I’m ready to get out of here.”
She looked at me with a surprised expression, as I explained to her that I felt that my time in high school was over and that I was ready for what university life and beyond had in store for me.
Often when we have discussions about my future plans, my parents say that I have my entire life ahead of me to think about these things (buying a house, marriage, etc.), however, like all teenagers believe, I don’t think they understand.
Yes, I have planned out a lot of my future, and though I’ve been told that knowing what I want to do with my life, and having such a plan is uncommon for people of my age, I think it is good to set a course for myself. By knowing which path I want to take now, I am able to get the directions early. Because of this, I know that if I happen to hit a bump in the road, there are still many other ways for me to get to where I want to be. I have no doubt in my mind that I will reach my planned destination, and even if I have to make a few stops along the way, it won’t bother me, for I know where I’m headed.
There are things that I do get worried about, such as living on my own, the well-being of my family and my friends, and finding a summer job. I thank God that I realized what career path I wanted to take at a young age. It’s just one thing less to worry about, and it grants me peace in one of the most important areas of my life.
No, I’m not nervous about what lays before me after I leave high school. I’m excited to see what’s in store for me. I’m ready to have that full sense of freedom. I’m ready to enter into a new atmosphere and have a change of scenery. Yes I know that it is rare for someone my age to feel this way, especially with universities checking into my mid-term marks, but honestly I know that I’ll be perfectly fine. I’m completely at ease with this whole university thing.
Please feel free to share your experiences about leaving high school, or moving out with me. I’m very interested in hearing the thoughts that other people had. Also if you are able to sum up how you felt/feel about leaving high school into 140 characters, send me a tweet @OrionRyder.