Glass

What do we do, when the ones we care about are broken?

Do we punish the ones who have hurt them? Make them pay for their crimes. Show them what broken really looks like.

Do we try to fix them or do we leave them shattered like broken glass. Millions of a whole sparkling in the dirt.

It is hard to love a broken thing. When things break we replace them…it’s easier than taking the time to mend them. Easier to forget about what is broken. Who is broken. No one wants to be reminded of the things that are broken…the people they have broken.

I saw her broken. She laid there, like glass. Silent…though silence was never something she longed for. I couldn’t touch her. She was sharp. Her shards laid at my feet. I didn’t break her, but I cannot fix her. I don’t know how. I want to. I want what once was. This bond between us, shatter by those who hurt her. Beat her down into the dirt. Shoved their words into her like daggers. Tore apart what was left of her. Somehow she rose. A million pieces. She rose up, still shattered and she glistened in the sun. I couldn’t fix her. I don’t know if she even wanted to be fixed. Perhaps she likes being broken? Perhaps the glass makes her enemies tremble with fear. She is strong, even though she is shattered. Her strength is the greatest sword ever built.


For my dearest and oldest friend.

Stay strong.

–R.

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Five or Ten Minutes

It can be difficult for people to discuss mental illness, especially with those who are close to them (friends or family). I have close friends who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar etc. and have seen them try to go through their day as though everything is okay. Some of them put off getting help for far too long, because others told them that how they thought or felt was “teenage hormones” or “just the blues.”

If more people were educated on mental health, they wouldn’t have brushed them off and my friends would have at least had someone listen to them for five-ten minutes.

We can all spare five or ten minutes to talk to someone we care about.

#BellLetsTalk

“I don’t want to sleep on my own anymore.”

She woke up and found that she was alone. With sleep in her eyes she crawled out of bed, and made her way towards the dark hallway. Her heart was already racing from that dream, now the hallway was so dark that she could barely see a thing.

Her lips quivered, but she stepped out into the hall. She knew where to go. She twisted the knob and whipped open the door–as she would if it were morning–then made her way towards the bed.

“Ryder, I don’t want to sleep by myself anymore,” she whimpered.

Ryder’s eyes shot open. “Wha?”

The little curly-haired girl pouted.

“Want me to come stay with you?” Ryder asked hoarsely, sitting up.

“Yah….”

So, Ryder got up out of bed and followed her through the dark hallway, and into the room with lots of night lights. Ryder gave the little girl a sleepy grin as she sprawled across the bed, not thinking to leave room for anyone else.

“Well, this is the same little girl who kicked me in the head while she was asleep,” Ryder laughed.

The little girl rolled over, closing her eyes, lettings Ryder lay down.

Ryder tucked the two of them in and the little girl latched onto the blanket, curling into a ball. Ryder looked at the time and sighed. At least work wasn’t until the following evening.

“Ooph!”

Ryder glanced at the little girl and frowned as she threw her legs up, and twisted her body around like a wiggling worm.

“Oh, whatever.”

The little girl’s legs flew up into the air as she tossed and slammed into Ryder’s back. There they stayed as she slept peacefully, her knee in Ryder’s side.

With a gentle sigh Ryder took the giant, fluffy giraffe and used it as a pillow.

“Oh look…aw…hmm…sunlight.”

 


Goodnight/morning.

–From R and Princess Curly-top.

Don’t worry, my back should be fine in time for any potential piggy-back rides.

Journel 11 – 2014

Speak to me with softness for your throat is tight. Look at me with kindness though you hate me inside. Pretend for me that this tension between us doesn’t exist. Smile with me, even if you are bitter.

For I don’t know that you are offended. I don’t see that I’ve done something wrong.

So for yourself please move along and act with glee. Your happiness is most important to yourself as well as to me.

 

Two exams down, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m definitely going to go for a run tomorrow so that I can clear my head and work off all the sugar I’ve been eating.

The school year is ending…and soon all three kids will be out of my parents house. A lot’s going to change over these next few years. The changes are coming pretty fast. I’m a little sad that all my old friends are growing up but we’re all making new friends who we’ll probably still hang out with when we’re old and grey.

I do miss my friends from high school. I miss our conversations, the stupid fights and the awkwardness that came with being a teenager. I grew up with some of them. They’re like a second family. We’ve been through a lot together…and I want to continue growing with them, if that’s where life brings us.

My new friends, I’m going to miss some of them because they’re graduating. They’ve been like big brothers and sisters to me this year and I appreciate them. I hope to be that person for a first or second year student next year and the years to follow. I like that my new friends don’t have stupid fights, and that our conversations are either hilarious and very random or that they’re focused and insightful. I like how we can joke around while we learn, and while we teach one another. I love that we take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously and that we know who we are.

Friends are so important to me…and for those who’ve followed my blog for a long time, my first year of university was very rough because I left all of my friends behind. I had a difficult time making friends with people no matter how hard I tried…I was a huge loner; lets face it that’s why I put on so much weight and put my novel on hold. It was pretty depressing…and honestly it was scary. Since my summer job helped me learn the skills I needed to make small talk, and the courses I took this year forced me to get in front of groups of people and speak I gained a lot of confidence. That confidence in myself…it feels amazing. I’m not as shy anymore and although I’ve always said hello to people, I actually can carry a conversation (which comes in handy when talking to bae…sorry for anyone who hates that term. I turned 20 a month ago. I’m still a child).

Well this post is getting pretty long…and it doesn’t have pictures which bothers my younger sister, so I’ll just finish off here. I was just watching a television show and the kids on it were graduating high school, and two of my friends are graduating and my sister and our friends back home are graduating and I just…wish that at my graduation that I got the chance to say goodbye to people who meant a great deal to me and who I wish…I hadn’t lost contact with. Some times I wish I could still be hanging out with my old friends but we’re growing up and doing our own thing now. We still talk once in a while and meet up…but it isn’t the same as seeing them every day.


I’m hyper and deleted another 600 words of me babbling about random things in my life because I didn’t want that one person to read that far and think, “This guy should never drink coffee.”

For the safety of others I only drink tea…but I let my tea get super dark today and it was bitter and I still drank it and then I was running around my house doing chores and–To bed, to bed! I tell you yet again Banquo is buried; he cannot come out on’s grave! Goodnight sweet prince. Parting is such sweet sorrow…. Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.

 

 

When you suck at comforting people and feel like a terrible friend…

When a friend of mine is going through a hard time, it really gets to me. I want to help them but I’m never sure how. I’ve never been good at trying to comfort others. Usually if someone is upset I just sit there and listen. I don’t say things like, “I know what you’re going through” because I don’t know their exact situation. I’m also not a very physical person, so to hug or even pat someone on the back isn’t a natural response for me to those types of situations. I tend to just stand there awkwardly contemplating whether or not I should give someone a hug. I’ve only had one friend express to me that they were the exact same way in these types of situations.

It really sucks because I truly want to help and be there for my friends when they’re in need, but I honestly don’t know what to do or say. Saying you’re sorry never seems like enough…especially if your friend has lost someone dear to them. I’ve only given a hug to one person who looked sad because they were trying so hard not to look upset, and I just felt in my heart that they really needed one.

I’ve always been this way, I know it isn’t exactly normal but that’s just how I am. If I could change this about myself I would. I mean, a lot of the people I’m friends with are huggers. My family are hugging folk as well. I’m the odd one out. I’m not afraid of hugs, and I like to receive them if I need them but whenever I’m upset about something I prefer to be left alone. Sometimes I draw or write poetry or music and then when I’m ready I talk about it. I deal with a lot of things on my own, and maybe that’s why I don’t know how to help others out when they’re feeling stressed out or are upset.

This sure is frustrating….

Well, I’ve got class in a bit so I’d better get ready. I just needed to get that off my chest because I truly want to help my friend out and I really don’t know how.

— R.

 

Dear R2 (Lol…I love Star Wars…but this isn’t a Star Wars Post. Sorry!)

This is all new to me, so I guess its normal to feel a little nervous and sometimes even a bit insecure. However, I want you to know that whenever we hang out you make me feel calm, and happy and I feel like I can be myself around you.

Thank you for being my friend.

— R


…my blogs starting to sound like a journal or something.

Sorry for posting this on a blog that you don’t know I have…I’ll tell you in person someday. You really are a great friend. P.S I’m going to call you R2 from now on. It’s just too perfect! I’m gonna go laugh like a total dork now and hope no one hears me!

WHAHAHAHA!

…That was evil sounding. O.O

Surprising My Little Sister

So last month my sister’s favourite DS game went in the wash. Well…all her DS games went into the wash but her favourite one was the only one that didn’t recover after the tragic incident.

So today I had to go pick up some groceries and I decided to walk around downtown, because there were a few shops I wanted to check out. I never left campus last year because I didn’t have to buy food and I was always home on the weekends (I couldn’t sleep). While I was walking I came across this little video game store and decided I’d pop in and look around.

Then girl asked if she could help me find a specific game and I told her I was looking for “Fire Emblem.” The girl thankfully had the game because I couldn’t find a copy of it on the self, and I bought it.

I’d felt like getting something for my little sister all day. I saw earrings and necklaces that she might like and I saw some cool posters but I remembered how heartbroken she looked when he game didn’t work…so I spent as much as I did on groceries to buy her a new copy.

It isn’t her birthday or anything. I just felt like surprising her. I can’t wait until she see’s it.

Friday Mornings with Ryder. “You Wanna Date?” ft. Orion.

“Alright. Puff up that chest. Keep that head up. Good, now make sure you’ve got your shirt on frontwards…we don’t want another one of those incidents. Good. Good.”

I blankly stared at myself in the mirror. “I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Forget sleep! Who needs sleep! This isn’t about you sleeping this is about you being confident and awesome and going out there and saying, ‘Why hello there’.”

I groaned. “Dude…can’t I just like not?”

“You wanna date?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t be such a little–.”

“OH KAY! Sheesh…no need to be so hard on me. I’m still figuring this stuff out okay?”

“Well figure this stuff out faster Ryder! You’ve only got so much time!”

I dragged my feet back to bed. “Wake me up when the sun’s actually in the sky.”

“The sun waits for no man!”

“Yah…that’s why I’m waiting for the sun.” I sighed. Then I sighed again and rolled onto my back. Then I rolled onto my stomach again and propped my chin up. “I can’t sleep.”

“Love will do that to you.”

“I’m not in love. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I snapped.

They chuckled. “Then why were you so excited for Friday?”

“Because. I have lots of exciting things to do on Friday.”

“Like what, you don’t even go out for drinks in the evening like normal people. What is wrong with you? Who sits at home and watches cartoons until bed?”

“We do that Orion. We do that.”

“Yah well…I want to do something different this weekend! Let’s get ourselves a date!”

I rolled onto my back again. “I dunno bruh.”

“It’ll be FUN!”

“It’ll be fun…it’ll be fun. Go by yourself.”

“Why are you in denial? Stop denying your true feelings!” cried Orion.

I sighed. “Because I’m not going to let myself get caught up in my emotions and have my heart torn out again. Remember last time?”

“Last time was different. This time it’s for real!” Orion shouted, shaking me. “Doesn’t it feel different?”

“Remember how I felt like throwing up yesterday?”

“Yes?”

“Stop shaking me…my stomach feels gross.”

“Oh great! Getting all gross on the weekend! How could you! You planned this! You planned this Ryder! I’ll never forgive you!”

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

“Hey Ryder, your alarms going off.”

“Hooray…” I moaned, pulling myself out of bed. “I’m going to blog now.”

“But…but YOU NEED TO PLAN FOR YOUR DATE!”

“I don’t have a date! Do you see me dating anyone!? NO! I’m going to blog like a respectable person and then I’m going to get dressed and blah, blah, blah, blah!”

Orion frowned. “Fine. Be that way…jerk.”


Enjoy your Friday folks.

I’ll be getting ready for class now…since I’ve got nothing better to do. I love my life.

Peace!

–R.