Late Nights, Early Mornings

Recently my sleep schedule has been all over the place. It’s definitely added to the stress I’ve been under lately. As I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t had a chance to work on my own personal projects lately, which is seriously bumming me out. Unfortunately balancing school and my personal life has become more and more difficult over these last two years.

There are days when I feel as though I’m missing out on stuff…and then again there are things that I’d rather not take part in. University is just another chapter in my life that is quickly coming to an end…and I’m ready for what lies ahead. I may not have everything figured out but honestly who does? I just wish I could get my sleep under control. I’m either sleeping ton or not at all. I hate feeling tired in the middle of the day.

Tonight I’m up late because I’m not feeling well…however yesterday I went to bed around 8pm. I was pretty exhausted. Both days were busy but…I guess it’s harder to fall asleep when your stomach feels like it’s going to explode.Actually, if it did explode it might relieve some of the pain. I hate this. I honestly do. I’d better be 100% healthy when I get out of bed tomorrow or I’m going to be ticked. I’m too busy to be sick. I won’t allow it. I have exams to prepare for, homework to catch up on, placements to do, and performances and presentations and….I find myself getting lost in thought trying to squeeze all of these individual tasks into my brain.

My wall is currently plastered in sticky notes. I managed to remove some a couple of days ago…but the ones that remain are a constant reminder of how much stuff I need to do. Yet, here I am blogging, drinking hot water and lemon to sooth my stomach and watching television…to top it off I’m also alternating between three games on my phone. It’s not very productive, but if you spent two days doing nothing but work, you’d want to at least spend a little time in the evening relaxing right? I could seriously go for a nice hot shower right now…despite it being 1 am…but my roommate didn’t rinse out the tub and I literally just cleaned it out….I scrubbed that entire bathroom. I even washed the floors. I don’t like living with people. I broke a glass yesterday, and a piece of it cut my ankle. No one even bothered to come into the kitchen to find out what that shattering sound was. I didn’t even notice the blood until I was finished sweeping. Why did I put shorts on when I got home? Why did I think it was a good idea to wear shorts? All I wanted to do was eat my damn pizza pocket. That’s all I wanted…but these people leave their dirty dishes all over the place. So sorry I broke your glass. I’m left-handed. Not like you’d know that but…don’t leave your stuff so close to the microwave and I won’t accidentally smash it to bits.

I hope this lemon water thing works. I just googled it. Apparently it helps. I figure if my Mom would drink it, it’s probably good for me.

Well…I hope I have something more interesting to update on, other than the things that happen during my day.

Till next time,

–R.

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“Play is just as important as reading a good book.”

As someone who works with children, it irritates me when I hear adults say things like, “A child couldn’t understand this.” Especially when it comes to books. I have always been an avid reader. I read comedies, tragedies, histories, whatever there was to be read I would read it. Happy or sad, it didn’t matter as long as it was well written. The words resonated me, and even if there were some words that I didn’t fully understand, the feelings stayed with me. Children are very empathetic. They are capable of understanding emotions, and are able to place themselves into other people’s positions quite easily.

I think the reason for this is because children play pretend. When we play pretend we enter into a life that is not our own. It’s a lot like reading a book, honestly. Only adults think that books are more sophisticated and, grown up. I’ve always felt it was the same thing. Writing, and playing. What do actors do? They play at being someone else. Writers imagine many lives, and feel many emotions, think many thoughts. Is this not what children do when they play pretend?

I have played games with my five-year old niece. In one of her games the king died. I was surprised while watching this little girl play as the queen, who was saddened by her husbands passing. The queen was too upset to leave her bed. She was lonely. If a five year old, can understand this without having any idea of what death really means, then why do adults think children are incapable of understand the notion of death?

My niece knows that when someone dies we don’t see them anymore. This is all she knows, and yet, this little girl can take the scenario of not seeing a person you love anymore, and associate it with loneliness. How does one feel when they are lonely? Sad? Depressed?

Even in some of my classrooms I have read aloud to my students and listened to them rant about how rude the characters are in the story. I’ve had children say, “They need a spank on the butt!” My niece will say it as well, when I read her Cat in the Hat.

Children are not given enough credit. They are observant and their world is complex, much like our own. A child’s world is much like a puzzle. They slowly put the pieces together as they grow. The figure out where things belong over time. They are not incompetent. Children are extremely capable of grasping tough subjects such as war, and death, and loneliness. Do not underestimate a child’s abilities. Play is just as important as reading a good book.

–R.

You Feel Me?: Conveying Emotion in My Work

At the moment, I am currently working on an essay.

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“Where did all this homework come from!” (Image from Golden Time).

 

Fun right? Well, the information I’m gathering is kind of interesting. I also think my topic and thesis are cool…so that’s a start.

I did update my novel the other day with a really humorous chapter. I don’t think I’ve ever actually laughed that much while writing. I don’t know if it was because it was late at night and I was tired, or because it was actually funny. I’d like to think it was actually funny. I’ll find out when I edit later.

Whenever I actually feel what I’m putting down, I know that I’ll be satisfied with the final product. That’s why I don’t like to write about things I don’t know about…it isn’t that I refuse to do so, but I feel like it isn’t genuine and I don’t like to force emotion into my writing. I want the emotion to be real. If I’m not feeling anything, then I don’t think it is worth keeping. It took me a lot of trial and error when writing romance between characters when I first started.

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(Quote from 2D-Kun. Golden Time).

 

I know that there are some twelve and thirteen year olds out there who are in relationships, and claim to know everything there is to know about love. I wasn’t one of those kids. I’m not afraid to admit to it. I had people I liked, but I’d never dated anyone. My first experience with heartbreak was when I was sixteen…and it wasn’t because I was dumped.

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“Boo hoo! My heart hath been broken!” (Found on Google).

 

I wasn’t in a relationship at all.

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“Stop. Get some help.” (Image From Golden Time).

It was that experience that opened my eyes to this flaw in my writing. I stopped trying to write about those types of intimate relationships, because I finally had some understanding of how they actually worked. Instead I wrote what I knew. I knew about liking someone, but not wanting to ruin my friendship with them. I knew what heartbreak felt like, and realized that I am capable of jealousy…an emotion I hadn’t truly felt before to that degree. When I started to write the things I knew, I was actually feeling the emotion in my words.

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I didn’t have to pull a rabbit out of a hat to write about these things because I understood the feelings I wanted to convey. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to write about different aspects of relationships. Either things I’ve experienced, or that people close to me have gone through. Sometimes, I’ll admit, using another persons experience is difficult but it is still better than trying to conjure up some plastic emotion that you have no clue what to do with.

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Boo from Monsters Inc.

 

Just because you write fiction doesn’t mean that you can’t be honest.

 

Anyway, I’d better get going. I still have a few more articles to look at.

Till next time,

–R.

Ah! People! GAH! – Confessions of a University Student

I didn’t sleep in this morning, I got distracted. Then I realized my apartment was a mess, and I was late for class and people were coming over. So, I wasted more time thinking about what I should do and how to prioritize my time. I decided I should probably stick around and clean the apartment, since I’m the only person who will…yah…I got stuck in that role…yay me.

Seriously though, I don’t know why people can’t make their bed, wash their dishes, vacuum. Like, I left the vacuum in the living room so everyone could use it! It is RIGHT THERE!

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I have trash to take out, and my bookshelf is still broken, so of course my stuff is everywhere, but my bed is made and I can walk everywhere else in my room except for where my books currently are.

I don’t think my roommates are lazy, and yes their course loads are a lot heavier than mine, but I have yet to see the bathroom clean before I go in there. How hard is it to clean the shower?

I’m also annoyed because my roommate hasn’t responded to my text message that I sent on Tuesday. I even put a note on the fridge about it. They haven’t said a word to me in person either. Actually, they avoid interacting with anyone else in the apartment as much as possible. They live in their own little world. I don’t dislike them, nor do I really care if they want to be buddies or not. I’m a quiet person as well, I tend to spend time by myself. I don’t need to hang out with people 24/7. However, I still greet people and ask how their day is. I don’t purposely avoid anyone (unless I have a good reason to). Also, it isn’t like I didn’t have to listen to my roommate arguing with their “special” friend every night at around 4 am until they broke up. Oh, and did I mention they set the smoke detector off multiple times in the middle of the night. So if I for some reason annoyed them a little bit, they can suck it up.

Just because my courses aren’t science related does not mean that I don’t have essays, presentations and readings to do. Unfortunately, people don’t seem to ever think I’m busy. I just did four presentations in a row. I have 3 papers and an essay to finish. Technically I have to get 2 essays done…as due to all the stress I’d been under my favourite professor told me to hand my essay in by December. I’d rather not wait that long to do it though. I honestly almost forgot about it. I’m grateful for the extension. I didn’t take an extension for another essay I had that was due in October, while I was extremely overwhelmed and I did horrible. That is the worst mark I’ve gotten on an essay before, and no I’m not one of those kids who gets an 80% and thinks I failed. I have to try in order to get good grades. I didn’t even do well on my midterm exams. It was awful. I basically got back three bad marks in a row, after all of that stress and sat there staring at them, thinking the world had ended. Not only that but I was still in “I have to be strong and not make any trouble for my family” mode, so I beat myself up over it until my sister showed up and snapped me out of it. She didn’t even notice anything was wrong. I guess that made things better.

I apologise for this large rant. I’m just frustrated with people right now.

I have another presentation to do in two weeks and half the group hasn’t shown up to our classes so that we can get work done. Oh, and one person dropped out of the course. Yah, and we aren’t allowed to use a script for the presentation.

Woo! Life is great!

At least I get to spend time with my older brother and my niece today. That makes up for all this other stuff.

I’m also on our music council so…I have things to do today relating to that which means I don’t know how much time I’ll actually get to spend with my folks. I have to go though because the concerts next week and we only have one practice left.

I’m gonna go eat some brownies for breakfast. I don’t care if I worked out yesterday. I want brownies and I’m gonna eat them and no one can tell me not to because I paid for dinner last night and I deserve it!

…Next time I’ll do a writing update…I have to get all this stuff done. Maybe this should become a segment on my blog? Haha. Yah…wow I feel really calm now.

Till next time,

— R.

Oh, by the way the brownies are half chocolate chip cookie. Isn’t that awesome!? I know…I know. I planned on making bacon and eggs for breakfast but I’ll have that tomorrow. No biggie.

 

 

Letters to Myself

I just started watching a new show called Orange. It’s under the 2016 Summer Anime list, if anyone is wonder. It got me thinking about this project I did back when I was 16, where we had to write a letter addressed to our past selves. I can remember giving my 13 year old self a huge lecture on how I should have been more out going and less occupied with what others thought about me. At 16, I thought that I knew everything. My parents still say that I think I know everything, and that I enjoy correcting people (mostly my mother). My mom thinks I’m egotistical due to the fact that I’m a musician. I couldn’t deny it because there are days when I spend hours just looking at myself…and I do take a lot of selfies (I don’t share them anywhere).

To be honest I think what happened was, after being a moody 13 year old with a low self-esteem, I went to high school and decided I no longer cared if I wasn’t with the in-crowd. As you can see, I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I watch anime. One of my closest childhood friends from when I was 3 or 4 was from Japan, and so they used to buy me animes on VHS. No I don’t call myself an otaku. Yes I also read manga, but I enjoy comics in general (Archie anyone? Gotta love Jughead). So basically, to get back on topic, I realized that just because my hobbies have always consisted of writing, watching anime and music didn’t mean that I had to hide it from people. I figured, if people liked me for who I was then that was great. It was stupid trying to lie about what shows I watched and what sports I liked when I wasn’t really into any of that. While all my friends played football (American), I was more interested in pretending I was a Jedi knight…or petting the stray cat that liked to visit us at recess.

So I suppose my 16 year old self had a reason to be so harsh towards my 13 year old self. The thing is, looking back now, being 13 and 16 was equally stressful and I went through experiences that…well at the time made me feel like the sky was falling. Now that I’m considered an adult (who drinks mountain dew instead of beer and uses a starwars cup while using the worlds best Spiderman bookmark), I think I can say that I’ve realized that each part of my life is a new challenge. It seems hard at the time but once I get over it, it feels like it was a breeze.

From my first time being extremely jealous to my first date. My first experience with death to my first time holding a new baby. From bad grades to bulking down. From writing an entire novel without chapters or page numbers to becoming more organized and actually planning things out. The big and the small, all molded me into the somewhat adult I am today…although all the 16 year olds I work with think I’m the same age.

So, I’m not sure what I would say to myself at ages 13 or 16…or even to myself ten years from now when I’m 30. Wow…I’ll be 30 some day. Hopefully I have my life in order by then. To be honest I feel like I got myself where I need to be now. I try not to lie awake at night regretting the decisions I’ve made in the past. I try not to ponder the future too much either these days. Kind of makes me feel a little down…knowing that certain people won’t be with me anymore. All I can do is keep going forward. If YOLO taught me anything in high school it was that I should spend more time laughing and less time fighting. I should make time for friends and family. I should go into a career that I know I will love and will give me the most fulfilment. I shouldn’t jump the gun on decisions, and I shouldn’t put them off too long either. I shouldn’t think too much, and I should know when to take the time to think. I should step outside of my comfort zone, and I shouldn’t be afraid to stand my ground. If this were a letter to my past self or the person I’ll be when I’m 30…I’d probably say “You’re doing great. Just remember right now is a challenge but once you get over this hill, you’ll find the next will be a little easier to climb.”

— R

Money….

Even though I know that I need to be up early tomorrow for work…I can’t seem to force myself to sleep. I know that it’s because I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that. I know its because my heart keeps screaming “I want to quit!” but my mind keeps screaming, “I need to pay my bills!”

I don’t think that being an adult sucks…but it was a lot easier when the only time I ever worried about money was when I was saving up for a new toy or books.

— R.

Two exams down, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m definitely going to go for a run tomorrow so that I can clear my head and work off all the sugar I’ve been eating.

The school year is ending…and soon all three kids will be out of my parents house. A lot’s going to change over these next few years. The changes are coming pretty fast. I’m a little sad that all my old friends are growing up but we’re all making new friends who we’ll probably still hang out with when we’re old and grey.

I do miss my friends from high school. I miss our conversations, the stupid fights and the awkwardness that came with being a teenager. I grew up with some of them. They’re like a second family. We’ve been through a lot together…and I want to continue growing with them, if that’s where life brings us.

My new friends, I’m going to miss some of them because they’re graduating. They’ve been like big brothers and sisters to me this year and I appreciate them. I hope to be that person for a first or second year student next year and the years to follow. I like that my new friends don’t have stupid fights, and that our conversations are either hilarious and very random or that they’re focused and insightful. I like how we can joke around while we learn, and while we teach one another. I love that we take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously and that we know who we are.

Friends are so important to me…and for those who’ve followed my blog for a long time, my first year of university was very rough because I left all of my friends behind. I had a difficult time making friends with people no matter how hard I tried…I was a huge loner; lets face it that’s why I put on so much weight and put my novel on hold. It was pretty depressing…and honestly it was scary. Since my summer job helped me learn the skills I needed to make small talk, and the courses I took this year forced me to get in front of groups of people and speak I gained a lot of confidence. That confidence in myself…it feels amazing. I’m not as shy anymore and although I’ve always said hello to people, I actually can carry a conversation (which comes in handy when talking to bae…sorry for anyone who hates that term. I turned 20 a month ago. I’m still a child).

Well this post is getting pretty long…and it doesn’t have pictures which bothers my younger sister, so I’ll just finish off here. I was just watching a television show and the kids on it were graduating high school, and two of my friends are graduating and my sister and our friends back home are graduating and I just…wish that at my graduation that I got the chance to say goodbye to people who meant a great deal to me and who I wish…I hadn’t lost contact with. Some times I wish I could still be hanging out with my old friends but we’re growing up and doing our own thing now. We still talk once in a while and meet up…but it isn’t the same as seeing them every day.


I’m hyper and deleted another 600 words of me babbling about random things in my life because I didn’t want that one person to read that far and think, “This guy should never drink coffee.”

For the safety of others I only drink tea…but I let my tea get super dark today and it was bitter and I still drank it and then I was running around my house doing chores and–To bed, to bed! I tell you yet again Banquo is buried; he cannot come out on’s grave! Goodnight sweet prince. Parting is such sweet sorrow…. Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.

 

 

Old vs. New: Reading my old writing

The other night I found one of my memory sticks (needed it to get a saved copy of a group project from my friend) and it was filled with ten drafts of my novels. Some of them were drafts of the same story, the one that I’ve decided to tuck away for a while. I’ve just been reading through them and I’m shocked at the quality of my writing (minus the awkward structure). I suppose a similar thing happened while I was in high school, when I decided to flip through my old binders and notebooks and noticed how I used to write and compared it to my current writing.

What I find funny is that I used to use a ton of description, a painful amount honestly. I’d describe things that really didn’t need to be talked about, what-so-ever and my dialogue was decent. Now I find that I barely describe anything and my dialogue is more free and realistic…which I like. I like when I’m reading dialogue and it flows like an actual conversation. My dialogue used to be very staged and choppy. Still some of my descriptions were really fun to have around. It made my characters thoughts seem more…teenage. Although internal dialogue is something I’m doing a lot of with one of the novels I’m working on write now (which I will post in the future as promised! I didn’t forget).

Wow my old poetry is so…innocent and happy. Nothing like the “emo” poems I’ve been writing over the last couple of years. This file of poetry is from 2012. What on earth happened between now and 2012 that caused such a shift? I mean…as a little kid all my stories and poems were about animals. I suppose this was the space between writing about animals and people? I still write about nature and the weather. Perhaps I’ve just been writing more during the fall and winter. My professor and my classmates thought my poems were very cold and depressing, and that I use a lot of winter-like themes in my writing…this is true…but honestly I just found my happier writing very corny and personal and my more depressing stuff was never written about myself, but about characters in my novels. I guess I cheated a little by not sharing something that was directly related to me, but if someone asked me to read a really dorky poem that I wrote about someone I had a crush on when I was 14, I’d look for the nearest exit immediately…and I’d just run.

I think I’ll share a bit of my old writing…and eat a bagel: cinnamon raisin.

Peace out! Enjoy your Thursday folks!

— R.

Novel Update: And Off Topic Ramblings

Hello everyone! I hope that you’ve all been having an excellent week so far.

I got a lot of writing down the other day. The story is moving along quite nicely. I feel as though the transitions have been smooth so far…but of course I’ll know for sure once I begin editing.

…Okay this is off topic but I just gotta warn people…don’t do sit ups after you eat. I now have a really bad stomach ache.

Back on topic (ouch!), I find that writing about things such as love and romance in my novels is tough for me. I mean…I’m more of a fiction, sci-fi, historical, adventure kinda writer… I just have romance as a subplot because…well I like my characters to be as close to human as possible, you know? Thing is, I’ve never dated. I’ve never kissed anyone. I’m 19 years old okay? I don’t need to be rushing into anything. That whole high school dating thing never really got to me… my only “kiss” was on the cheek and the only time I was close to dating someone I was to chicken to make a move so I lost a good friend and a potential date. Woo! Way to go R!

As my sister would say, “You darn messed up!”

So…I had to write some romantic scenes and boy did I blush. I don’t know why, but I get really emotionally attached to my characters. I literally had to remember how I felt at age 14 when I got kissed on the cheek by my best friend…and crush at the time. It was awkward. I elbowed them in the face…. Yah…. That’s probably why I haven’t been kissed by anyone since. Maybe they all have a secret club or something where they’re like “R elbows people in the face! Don’t kiss them!”

Maybe if you didn’t sneak up on me, I wouldn’t have elbowed you? Ever think about that?

Anyways I spend enough time watching chick-flicks and Say Yes to the Dress and all that other junk. I really don’t mind it but it bothers me how all of these people are so focused on this ONE DAY. It’s not the wedding that’s important it is the life that you and your significant other will have together. I don’t understand why people can’t grasp that? It’s probably one of the big reasons why people are having issues in their marriages. They wanna go back to that “special day” when really every day should be special because you’re together, working as a team.

Well…that was off topic. It’s wedding season, and I’m planning a fictional wedding between two characters. I guess it’s not that off topic.

So, I got some writing done. Survived the two little romance scenes. I don’t know how well I’m going to create a fictional romance when I haven’t had a real romantic relationship. I’m doing my best.

Happy writing to you all! Enjoy the weather this weekend

I’ll be working…every day. Gotta pay for school somehow right? Man…education shouldn’t be this expensive. I should be able to pay for every year of school easily after working 3-4 months in the summer. It’s ridiculous.

I’m Back!

Hey, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been busy getting into my new job.

I managed to do a lot of writing the other day, and early this morning…just finished up typing an edited version of a story I wrote in high school. I can’t believe it’s 1 in the morning. I really need to stop staying up so late…but I also need to stop late night snacking.

Anyway, I’ll be posting that story at some point…probably in sections. I just want to get more written out before I do so.

As for my actual novel, it’s going great. We are moving along smoothly. It’s been such a fun ride so far. I’m really excited for what’s about to happen (Don’t worry I don’t give spoilers).

I apologize for not blogging in so long. It’s been a little weird balancing work and everything. I’ve only had 4 shifts so I’m still getting the hang of things. I hope to be a pro real soon. I don’t like bugging my co-workers with 20 questions every other minute. They’ve got their own stuff to do and they’re pretty busy as it is. I seem to be fitting in nicely though. It’s a great place to work. I have no complaints. Gotta make money to pay the bills.

Growing up is weird guys…but thankfully it doesn’t happen over night. I still enjoy having my folks buy me stuff.

Thanks for buying my shoes for work mom. That was really nice of you. Love you…and stuff.

Anyway I should sleep. I have another appointment tomorrow and I realized that I seriously need to go to a library and find some books. I have some research to do.

I’ll blog soon!