The Ramblings of an Over Tired Writer

I’ve been really tired lately…and I know that it’s probably my own fault. I don’t sleep. I crawl into bed at night, and I read. I don’t know when I end up going to bed most of the time. It’s pretty bad. I hate feeling tired.

I can’t keep my eyes open and I’m bleeding for some odd reason. Who knew such a small cut would gush out so much blood? It stings too. I felt like a baby trying to clean it out.

I want to go back to bed. I want to be a responsible adult. Decisions, decisions. If I go back to sleep who knows if I’ll be up and ready to go by twelve or eleven o’clock? Besides, I’m already dressed.

I honestly can’t fall asleep without reading these days. Even if I’m tired, I stay up and I read for an hour or two. If I don’t I just lie there and stare at walls, or memorize the patterns on my pillow case.

Writing about not sleeping is making me feel sleepy.

I really just want to stay home but I know if I do I’ll regret it. I’m that person who will think on a decision for hours upon hours. That’s probably why I’m always lying in bed thinking. Sometimes I just end up in a mood where I don’t really feel like doing anything at all. Then I’ll sleep for half the day and later beat myself up for wasting time.

Last night before falling asleep I was thinking about how great it would be if I never got tired, and I could just be awake all the time. I’d get so many things done. I seem to always want to do everything around 8pm. You’d think I’d learn that it’s easier to work during the day time.

Maybe I will go back to bed for an hour? At this rate I really don’t feel like running around trying to get stuff done before my lab. Not to mention I can’t really keep my eyes open. I need to fix my sleep schedule. I really need  set bedtime. I have morning classes. I’ll need to be in class at 9am for the rest of the week. Thank goodness I don’t have many classes this semester.

I think I’m just burnt out after working two jobs all summer and from last school years mess of events…. I was beyond stressed. I don’t know how I got through all of that. I guess being stupidly optimistic about things is a good trait…always trying to see the bright side of every situation. Still…I can’t help but feel that all traits have binaries. There’s a good and bad side to everything. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately when creating characters. I realize that the their strengths are  also their flaws. For example, say there’s a character named Alfonse…just because I wanna give them a name…anyway Alfonse is a very passionate and dedicated person. Although those sound like good traits, they can also be bad. Sometimes passion drives us to do things that we later regret…and sometimes we dedicate ourselves to things that in reality weren’t worth all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into it. Optimistic people are always trying to keep things bright and full of energy but when it isn’t good to always turn a blind eye to your current situation. Sometimes we are given certain challenges so that we can grow. If you keep avoiding everything, or sugar-coating your situation, you won’t grow and it will slowly become something that you’re unable to control. People who are empathetic, tend to carry too much on their shoulders. They’re constantly trying to fix things while they fall apart themselves.

I don’t really know how I went from talking about sleep to my strange thought process…but these are the types of things that pop into my head whenever I try to fall asleep. Even now, before I close my laptop and throw a blanket over my head, I’ll probably end up thinking “Why did I go back to sleep? I could’ve finished all of this stuff by now. Why did I waste all this time? I hate when I do this….” I’m glad I don’t take any medication to help me sleep. I’m a light sleeper…but I love to dream…that is when I do sleep. Dreams are interesting. I guess if I’m dreaming then I am awake even when I’m asleep. I see things. I go places. I get a lot done. Sometimes I’m sad when I wake up from a good dream. It’s like you live this different life and then BAM, you’re back in reality.

 

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Now I Enjoy School

It’s weird…I actually look forward to learning now that I’m in university.

Back in Elementary and High School I felt that learning certain things was a chore…although I went out of my way to gain knowledge on all sorts of subjects. I didn’t like school.

Now I enjoy school. I enjoy class. I enjoy studying different subjects, taking in new information. I enjoy my professors, our teacher assistants, my classmates.

School now is a wonderful place…and I can feel myself beginning to grow more and more as time goes by.

I love this school.

Work, Work, Work…

Lately it feels like all I do is go to work and sleep the moment I get home. I enjoy working (most days) and I don’t want to complain but it’s a lot. Some days are really good and other days I can’t wait to go home and relax. It depends on the mood of my managers that day.

If they’re not snapping at us we’re all feeling good by the end of our shifts. I don’t want to go home complaining to my family about a bad day at work. I’d rather talk about how much fun it was, the people I got to interact with and the stuff I got to do.

Obviously this isn’t my dream job but I have to do this kind of stuff until I get to that point. I work so that I don’t have to settle. Sometimes life forces you to do things that you may not like until you can do something that you love.

I figure, it’s a summer job I might as well make the best of it and take a deep breath on those odd days where my managers are snapping at me. Personally, I work much better when you use a kind and constructive tone. I’m not one to talk back to someone of authority (unless they’re out of line) because they snapped at me for something but seriously? I’d appreciate it if they could learn to relax. If you’re going around stressing out over everything and stomping your feet, not only do your employees notice but so do you customers. If you put your employees into that same bad mood, you’ll put your customers in a bad mood.

Also, it looks really bad on your company when you snap at your employees in front of a customer.

I was going to go into more detail about the managers at my work but…I realized that it probably isn’t the best idea. I mean yah I use a pen name and it’s not like any of you guys know where I work but still. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t talk about work on facebook so I’m not going to rant about it on here. Besides I don’t want to disrespect anyone, even if they did get on my nerves a couple of times. I have no right to do that.

Anyway, works been busy…and occasionally it’s a bit stressful. Honestly, I’m still trying to get my editing done. I’m just tired all the time. I don’t know why. I’m going to bed after I post this. I just hate not updating you guys every few days.

Okay I need to get to bed…I keep yawning. I’ve been tired since 7 o’clock this morning.

I seriously need to work on my novel though.

Oh yah!

Happy Birthday to my cousin!

We’re exactly 9 months and 1 day apart…he’s older. Anyways happy birthday man! Hope you’ve been having a blast in Europe…you lucky duck.

Wish I was in Europe right now…. or at least Nova Scotia. I really want to travel around Canada. I’ve been as far as Quebec. One of my favourite books take place in Nova Scotia. It’s a sad story but…I don’t know, something about it was heart warming…touchy feely stuff. I don’t know how to describe it. I just enjoyed reading it. I’ve read it like three times. I even redrew the cover. There are a few novels that are based in Canada that I really enjoy. Yes, I’ve read Anne of Green Gables. Watch the shows too. I think I watch more Canadian shows versus the books.

Murdoch is my show, don’tcha know.

God, why am I such a nerd?

Okay bye! I start rambling when I’m tired or hyper…never eat pork chops before bed. Oh no…oh no…she didn’t. I think my mom gave away my stuffed piglet from when I was like a baby and like my nana and I fixed it up because it’s belly button came off and….and I love that piglet…I named it Pinky because I’m so original…and also because I had this bear, rattle that was actually my sisters but I kind of jacked it…I named that Pinky and then that disappeared…and oh no…oh God please no….

…I have an attachment to certain old toys. I want to share them with my kids that’s all…except I don’t know how to explain this to my future spouse. I guess I’ll figure it out when the time comes…or they could just open up my bedroom closet and find a bunch of novels that I’ve written, stuffed animals and a mess of clothes.

I need to clean my room…seriously. Like I was going to clean it in April. Then my parents kept giving me all these clothes that I washed…and most of them are winter clothes and…like…now I have no room for anything. I should’ve just moved into my brother room two years ago like my dad said but I got attached to my room because it has green walls and messed up heating and a broken window and…smells like weird. My room has this smell…it smells like someone squirted lemon juice in here actually.

I hate the smell of dry shampoo…

Okay operation find my piglet…never mind. I have a feeling that I’m not going to find him. He’s lost… there goes another piece of my childhood. Actually maybe he’s with my nieces toys in the play pen….brb….no sign.  Maybe my mom hasn’t given away that bag of toys yet. Or my piglet is seriously gone. My mom just throws stuff out without even asking people. She doesn’t consider peoples feelings or anything she’s just like “Oh junk. Better get rid of it.” however some of that junk has significance to the rest of us mom! She’s not a very sentimental person. She could improve on that… I wouldn’t throw out her purse because I thought it was junk. Bad example but she doesn’t hold onto anything but her wedding accessory thingys. Like the gloves and what not.

Oh yah it’s wedding season…. Wedding season.

Man, someone in my family needs to get married. I have all these older cousins and they’re all like “Oh…maybe not right now.” I want to go to a wedding. If they don’t get married before I do, they’ll lose it. I know this for a fact. I want to get married young though, so…it’s totally possible. Kind of need to find someone first. I’ve been looking but not making any real progress. I’m not really sure how this flirting thing works. I’ve never dated…. the closest thing I’ve had to a romantic relationship was 10th grade when my friend and I had a thing but they kind got taken by someone else…and we didn’t talk for 2 years for no reason at all. They just cut me off…and it hurt. Only heart break I’ve had. Woo! Favourite year of high school though. I grew a lot.

Ugh…I gotta pay rent soon.

This is so long…I’m not even really talking about anything except my life. Here guys, here’s my life story. Enjoy!

If you get to the end of this, leave a comment because like…wow. That is some serious dedication. When you read something, you finish it.

Well it’s late. My stomachs settled. My heads full of thoughts and yep…I have to work this weekend…like I do every weekend.

I’m going to go curl into a ball and drool on my pillow while I sleep….never used to drool. Before I smiled in my sleep, now I drool and dream about…a lot of things. During my nap I dreamt about work, and how I got a discount on everything. And my donut became an oreo ice cream sandwich…and my pizza was cold.

My work doesn’t sell donuts or pizza…so when I woke up I was like “Wait a second!”

I hate dreaming about work. It’s like…I wanna dream about happiness and sunshine not being late for work or ordering food! I don’t want to dream about being at school… honestly I sometimes enjoy those dreams where I’m on a date with someone. I know how to flirt in my dreams. I’m such a player when I’m in dreamland…in reality I just try not to say something stupid and try not to blush.

The other day this really good looking person came into my work and I had to take their order…and I got flustered.

I also noticed that I read numbers backwards a lot. I don’t know why…I’m not going to say anything to my parents about it though. It’s not really a big deal. I used to write my name backwards all the time. I’m left handed so…I guess maybe that’s why. It’s why I find it easy to go back and forth between reading a manga and a novel. It’s also why I smudge most of my drawings… I wonder if this could be the reason why I struggled with math in elementary school? Honestly, I just…did things differently and the way I did it was “wrong.” I used to point out patterns and I’d find really weird things in the question and point it out versus giving the actual answer…. either I honestly didn’t know what I was doing or I was like a super genius.

I also never showed my work. So in high school I started to draw and write my work. Then I got like 80’s in math….and then I got really bad teachers.

Dear Grade 9 math teacher, you were the most amazing math teacher I have ever had. You taught me that everyone learns things differently, and that when we walk people through our answers, it helps them to understand our thinking better. Also, you let me and my friends eat in your class because you were pregnant. Plus you were super funny and the only math teacher I ever understood.

Thank you for existing.

–R.

Lol…she really was a great teacher. High school was full of great teachers. Universities got them too.

Okay night….sorry for such a long post. I just think a lot.

I totally wrote an epic postery today. I’m sorry…I’m a nerd. I’ll stop now.

I’m Back!

Hey, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been busy getting into my new job.

I managed to do a lot of writing the other day, and early this morning…just finished up typing an edited version of a story I wrote in high school. I can’t believe it’s 1 in the morning. I really need to stop staying up so late…but I also need to stop late night snacking.

Anyway, I’ll be posting that story at some point…probably in sections. I just want to get more written out before I do so.

As for my actual novel, it’s going great. We are moving along smoothly. It’s been such a fun ride so far. I’m really excited for what’s about to happen (Don’t worry I don’t give spoilers).

I apologize for not blogging in so long. It’s been a little weird balancing work and everything. I’ve only had 4 shifts so I’m still getting the hang of things. I hope to be a pro real soon. I don’t like bugging my co-workers with 20 questions every other minute. They’ve got their own stuff to do and they’re pretty busy as it is. I seem to be fitting in nicely though. It’s a great place to work. I have no complaints. Gotta make money to pay the bills.

Growing up is weird guys…but thankfully it doesn’t happen over night. I still enjoy having my folks buy me stuff.

Thanks for buying my shoes for work mom. That was really nice of you. Love you…and stuff.

Anyway I should sleep. I have another appointment tomorrow and I realized that I seriously need to go to a library and find some books. I have some research to do.

I’ll blog soon!

This is why we don’t procrastinate…

So I finally typed up my essays and I’m still short words after all that editing. My time is limited… I thought about how much stuff I still had to do and my head began racing.

This is why we don’t procrastinate. This is why we start the essay the day we get it versus a month later.

We’ll never learn though.

At least I started them a week before they were due. Why I chose to finish editing them and typing them up the same week as the due date…beats me. This is basically my last week of school before exams. If I can get all my work done today and tomorrow then I’ll be free to relax for a day or two before I jump into exam mode.

Good luck to anyone else going through this…end of the year essay madness. Why not give these assignments to us in February? I’d rather hand them in, in March…or like have several small assignments versus one big one and an exam. Ugh…maybe I need to take a break. I feel burnt out right now.

Sorry to complain to you guys but I suddenly felt like I was gonna start screaming or something because I can’t seem to think of what else to add to my essays right now. This is why I hate having assignments all due on the same day. It forces me to go back and forth between them. It’s like trying to write two different novels at the same time. It shouldn’t be done…but in this case I’m being marked so it has to be done.

Oh well…I’ll keep doing my best. I’ll probably grab dinner, and take a nap. Then I’ll get to work again whenever I wake up. I’m really worn out right now…. I don’t think school work has made me exhausted before.

Novel Update: Writer’s Block Has Been Defeated!

Yep, it is true. I’ve finally punched writer’s block in the face!

After arriving at university (as some of my earlier followers may know), the new atmosphere and being on my own for the first time caused me to lose my…I guess the drive that I had while working on my novel. The last time I worked on it was my first week here at university, and that was August. Finally in the last few days of February I opened up my novel, and with the help of my sister, I began a new chapter.

Though writer’s block is horrible, and it was my first time actually dealing with it, the experience allowed me to further my research for my novel, rather than rush into everything all at once. I also reviewed notes that I made for my novel, and revised them. I feel as though I have more knowledge on the world of my novel now, than I did when I began writing it a year ago.

It’s still incredible to think that my novel is now a year old. I don’t believe that I’ve spent that much time with a novel. I believe deep in my heart that this one is going to be the one that I share with the world. I’m looking forward to the day when it is published. I designed the cover a year ago, and I still love it…however, I’m not entirely sure if I will have someone recreate it or if I will try to do it myself. Anyway, that is something that I can think about once the novel is complete.

After going through writer’s block for the very first time, I think that my advice to those who are going through it is, instead of beginning a new project, expand on your current one. Do some research, review whatever notes you’ve made…like maybe a character’s personality. It’s a good way to sort of take your novel and see how it’s developed so far.

Happy almost Friday everyone!

— O. Ryder

Ugh…I Have a Cold.

I’d like to apologise for not blogging as often in these last couple of weeks. I’m still getting over a cold and am trying to adjust to being back at school again. Yah, I’m so done with this cold. I’d like to go an entire day without coughing or sneezing…and I’d love to be able to actually breathe. Hopefully it’ll be gone tomorrow. I’m feeling a lot better today.

As for my writing, I’ve done a couple of songs and poems but I haven’t done work on my novel since my sketches. Researching for this is extremely important to me. I might force myself to put something on paper after my lecture today. I’d really like to get back to work…though I’ve got school work to do and that’s unfortunately more important than my own personal projects *sigh*.

Anyway, I will try and post more often once I’m feeling better…and hopefully I’ll have a novel update for you or a tip to share.

Well…here’s a life tip for you, if your hat still smells like campfire, find some loose change and toss it in the washing machine. If you don’t wear it, you’ll get a nasty cold and won’t want to do anything with your life until it goes away. Also, always be sure to have a box of tissues handy. Those things are actually really important…we really take tissues and toilet paper for granted. It’s only when you need them and they aren’t around that you realize how much you need them in your life.

Why Do We Learn Some Things as Fact Versus Fiction?

I started thinking about this while reviewing for my exam: why is it that we learn about things that we know to be fictional as though it were fact?

It’s just a bit strange. A good example of this is how in the fourth grade we read stories about medieval characters such a Joan D’Arc (Joan of Arc), who we all know to be a real person and I recall doing my medieval persons illustration of Robin Hood. I also remember that the reading I had said something along the lines of (this was like 11 years ago), “It is unknown is Robin Hood is merely a fictional character or not.” However we learned about this guy as though he were an actually person, true to life.

Maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure if anyone else has ever thought about this. I’ve thought about it while learning different types of theories back in high school. I kept thinking to myself, “Why are we learning theories when they haven’t been proven?”

Now, I believed in Santa Claus for a long time, even when others told me he wasn’t real and even more than him, I believed in Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Red is my favourite colour…and so his song was my favourite of them all. Plus you get to say that Santa wears underwear. I mean what kid doesn’t want to sing something hilarious like that?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason we learn about things that are fictional is so that we can take something out of these stories and theories, not actually take them as straight 100% fact. I got here by thinking about the nursery rhymes and Grimm’s fairy tales that we hear as children. Those were meant to tell us about events, and to warn us of different things. Little Red Riding Hood (here I go with red again), is about not trusting strangers with personal information. Jack and Jill is about King Louis XVI of France and his wife Marie Antoinette getting beheaded. La Belle et Le Bête (Beauty and the Beast) is about not judging others based on appearances. If your mother simply said to you, “Jimmy, don’t judge a book by its cover.” then you probably would reply with the good old, “Okaaaaay mom.” and walk away. However, if your mother told you this horrific tale of how a little girl and her grandmother were eaten by a wolf because the little girl told the wolf where her grandmother lives…you would probably never say more than a polite “Hello” to a stranger.

Hard Work Pays Off Eventually

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Yesterday I received my final analysis back from my English T.A. and for some strange reason I went back to my room without even looking at it, and then forgot it existed until this morning before I went to write a test for another class. I picked it up and said, “I’m not going to look just yet…I’ll wait till after class so that this doesn’t mess up my mojo.”

When I returned with breakfast, my bag and cellphone in hand I remembered that I wanted to see what I got on my analysis. I put everything down, finished texting back my dad (we talk everyday), and searched for my analysis, which I placed on my tiny bookshelf.

I looked at each page. There were no comments, simply pink checkmarks every couple of lines. I wasn’t sure if I should feel excited, or nervous. I started to briefly read over what it was I had written, but it made me feel uneasy.

Finally I reached the last page. Following a series of check marks was a pink 80. I was beaming. I texted my dad to tell him the news. I shared it with those I loved. I was proud. I am proud.

For years, I had struggled with writing more academic pieces, such as essays (especially the dreadful five paragraph ones). In the 11th grade I decided that I was going to get better at this for of writing. I no longer wanted to get between 65% and 70% on my English assignments. I wanted to get 80% and above. By grade 12 I was getting 84% on some of my assignments and I started of my Creative Writing course with 96%. I felt amazing. I’d reached my goal. Suddenly before second semester, my parents and school counsellor recommended that I retake the grade 12 English that I had done in summer school (I liked to take a course ahead of time in order to not end up with English, Math and Science all at once…it always happened to me in grades 9 and 10). in order to be more competitive for university. I was reluctant but I did.

My teacher was great, he ran our schools writing club, which I was apart of and he also taught my younger sister earlier on in the year. He was the toughest teacher in the English department, and the scariest…but I didn’t think so. He was actually very nice, and he helped me improve on many things throughout the year. Unfortunately, though I had started his class getting 80%, my marks became 60%. I was heartbroken. For the first time in that year I was so frustrated and disappointed with my marks that I had to fight back tears in class. I nearly thought about leaving. I’d gotten 3 assignments back in a row, all 65% or lower. It made me feel like throwing up. I felt hopeless. I wasted my time retaking a course that I didn’t need to redo and I was doing worse than before. I finished the class off with 70%, which was lower than the mark I’d gotten in summer school. I was so angry that I wasn’t sure of what I should do. I never wanted to go through that again but I learned that sometimes when we work hard, we don’t always get the results we want but what doing well in university English has taught me, is that my teacher from high school pushed us so that we would be ready for university English assignments and that if we try hard and it doesn’t work the first time, you just need to try something different.

Each assignment I do, if my professors or T.A’s make any comments I will take them and improve upon what they said for future assigned work.

I really wanted to share this with you all because though I have always loved reading and writing, and though English is my favourite class, throughout my elementary and high school careers, my teachers had discouraged me from pursuing English entirely. One teacher even wrote that they didn’t believe I had any interest in the subject of English, while my parents and I knew that I had been writing novels and stories for years and had been assisting my friends with their English homework. I proved that teacher wrong a year later when I was again put into their English class. I think maybe they just didn’t like me because I also had them for Art and I’m always getting 84% to like 90% in Art and this teacher gave me a 60%. Plus when I proved them wrong about the English thing, they gave me a 65% and wrote on a book mark they made me, “Your love for storytelling brings a unique (something or other) to your writing.”

I try to be optimistic so when people try to discourage me I end up trying harder.

The bad experiences that I had with my teachers in the past has also showed me what not to do when I myself become a teacher. I want to be an encourager of talent, a trusted person that my students can go to when they need someone to listen, and someone who allows them to let their dreams take flight.

Well….to those with exams I wish you all the best!

–Orion.