A Truly Sad Story…About the Loss of my Lemon Chicken

My family ate all the lemon chicken…so I wrote a song about it and moped around the kitchen singing it.

Mom: What’s my little R-R singing about?

Me: Lemon chicken…because no one left me any…and I waited ALL DAY to eat it but now it’s gone. I should’ve just ate it before everyone came home from work BUT NOOOOO! I had to wait until I was hungry cause I wanted to ENJOY my food.

Mom: I told your father that but he just scooped all this food onto his plate.

Me: Oh well…a least I can drink from my Star Wars cup….

Then as I was sadly eating my lemon chickenless dinner my Dad entered the kitchen.

Me: There’s no more lemon chicken….

Dad: THERE WAS ONLY LIKE THIS MUCH (makes hand motions) LEFT!

Me: The container was full this morning.

Dad: I KNOW!

Me: …That can only mean that Ness ate it all.

Dad: Well next time eat it before everyone gets home.

Me: I don’t eat her noodles!

Dad: Oh well.

Me: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?


I figured since my brother wasn’t visiting I’d definitely get some left over chicken…but I was mistaken.

–R.

Advertisements

Fight or Flight

There are times when it feels like the whole world is against you. You fall, you get back up. You fall again, harder than before but somehow you manage to stand on your feet again. You doubt yourself, you contemplate, you become your own worst enemy and yet you continue to stand, and deal with what’s in front of you.

At times you try to run away but you realize that it only makes things more difficult. One obstacle becomes two. The more you run the more you have to face. You wonder if there’s even a point of turning around, of charging through the mess you’ve made. Anything seems better than what you’re going through now.

You can either face the monsters you’ve created or you can continue to run from them. It’s not easy brushing yourself off every time, standing up to fight. How many times can a person get back in the ring? How many mountains can someone climb? How far can we run? It’s difficult to tell.

–R.

Welcome to November!

I’m grateful for the week I had off from classes, because without it I feel as though I’d be a complete mess right now. I just kept saying to myself, “It’s almost reading break. It’s coming. The end is near. Just three essays, two exams and you’re free!” and somehow I managed to survive.

I kept getting sick during that time. I think I was so stressed and overwhelmed that my body began to react. I had constant headaches, and nausea. Never happened to me before…but after all of the stuff I’ve been through since last April…boy. I’m lucky I didn’t just snap and tear my hair out.

I managed to do a lot of writing and artwork over the break. I even got to work on my music, which was a lot of fun. I enjoy goofing around with my piano and guitar when I think no one is home…my sister screamed, “Shut up!” after about fifteen minutes. I was jokingly singing Chandelier…but it turned into a screamo edition and I sang “I want to screeeeeeam!” instead of “I want to swing.”

Anyway, you probably didn’t need to know that but basically I’m doing a lot better. I don’t feel like I’m a zombie anymore, I haven’t had any nausea or headaches, and things have been a lot less stressful back home. Plus, now school is settling down a bit…it’ll be busy again in a week or two but at least right now I can pace myself and get my head in the right place.

I guess I’d never been so stressed out in my life. I let it all build up from April. I refused to let myself crack…and then finally I just broke down. Which sucks because here and there I was finding myself slowly crumbling after trying to build myself back up. That’s why I’m glad that I had a week where I didn’t have to worry so much about school, or friends or anything and I could just catch up on sleep, draw and write and relax. I needed that break. I know if I had kept trying to push myself I’d have completely shut down. I usually try to be a very optimistic person but that side of me just vanished. I feel a lot more like myself these days. I’m goofing around with my friends again, I’m reading in my spare time (even though all I do is read for class), and I’ve set some goals for myself that I’d like to meet by my last exam date in December.

So, November I welcome you with open arms. I’m in good spirits despite the cold weather and the rain. Although I tend to write a lot of very depressing poetry in the winter (according to my creative writing professor), I will try to write something…warm and fuzzy. Not corny. Warm and fuzzy. Like…a nice blanket or a fluffy animal or some sort.

This was longer than usual.

Till next time,

— R.

 

I woke up at 2 am…

So because I’d been up really late all week I ended up going to bed around 8pm yesterday. I had this really intense, slightly sad little dream and woke up. Now I have an idea for a short story! Hooray!

It was sad though…and I’m not sure how two characters one from a show I watched when I was 7 and one from a show I just started watching, could at all be best friends? That’s bizarre.

It was so sad….

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO BRING TO CLASS TOMORROW.

I don’t have to be that awkward kid who’s like, “Hi…um…yah so…I couldn’t think of anything so I’m like…kind of…just hanging out…with my notebooks. Just trying to pick and sort through to see if I got something I can turn into a short story.”

THANK YOU RANDOM DREAM!…but why so sad? Why?

Like…I shouldn’t eat sugar before going to sleep. I also shouldn’t have chugged juice when I woke up because my stomach hurts now.

YES! YES! YES! I have something! I’m so happy!

Well…I guess I’ll try to get back to bed around 5 or 6.

I had to fight the tears…

I recommend not watching this before you have to go out somewhere. I somehow managed to choke back my tears. I didn’t think I would make it to the end of that video but I did. I honestly want to cry my eyes out. That’s such a beautiful tribute to his late wife.

Bless this family.

I just had to share this.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/abagg/this-guy-recreated-photos-of-his-late-wife-with-his-young-da?bffbvid&utm_term=4ldqpj5#.xlMz0y02W

Rough…

These last few days have been pretty rough. Today I had an exam and there have been a lot of personal family issues going on….

It’s just been rough. I usually bottle everything up inside. I’m a person who keeps to themselves when it comes to stuff like this. Especially with family situations, I feel like I suddenly need to act tough and compose my emotions around others. I realized this after my grandmother passed away. I never knew that I had this strong side to me. I’ve always been the cry baby out of my siblings…I mean I got teary eyed while watching How to Train Your Dragon (haven’t watched it since due to being laughed at). I’m surprised at my own ability to suddenly take on a different role. At times where I myself might be feeling upset and scared, I automatically smile, laugh and go on like everything is perfectly fine so that when those around me need someone strong to hold them up, I can be there for them. I’m not sure if this is exactly healthy…but I do it. I do it all of the time despite how I’m feeling.

Sometimes stuff happens in life that just kicks you in the gut and all you can do is ignore the pain and keep on pushing because the world keeps spinning. Time won’t stop because you’re faced with something that seems impossible…and heart wrenching…and completely out of your control. Life goes on and on and on and that’s it.

I hope I can make it through the rest of this week without completely breaking down. If I’m going to punch my pillow and blast music into my ears then I’d rather do that at home than while I’m here at school.

I hope the sun’s out tomorrow morning…just for a little while. I look forward to seeing the sunshine pouring into my windows.

I can’t stand being in the dark right now…all this grey and black and gloominess isn’t doing me any good. I really don’t want to be away from my family right now. Honestly I want to go home. I know I’m only here for a few days and then I get to be with my folks till September but I’m one of those people who needs to be around their family when stuff is bothering me.

Sorry for making another emo-ish post. I’ve been writing some pretty gloomy stuff lately. I seem to write happier things when I’m collaborating with my sister. She’s a funny kid.

How do you push through rough times?

What Would You Have Done?

Today I’m going to be posing a question…you see the other day I overheard someone crying. At first I was going to ignore it, because I’m not very good at comforting people (I just don’t know how to react) but instead something told me that I should go and see if this person was alright.

I gently knocked on the door. “Are you okay?”

When they replied with, “Everything’s fine Ryder. Thanks.” I decided not to press any further and to go back to watching Magnum P.I.

I don’t know why this has been on my mind since but I do feel kind of like I should’ve done more.

They stopped crying for a bit but I heard them again not long after, and I felt as though I should check again or let them know that I was there if they needed me.

I’m not someone who likes to get into people’s business, but something seriously moved in me. It was as thought I was making up for the time I heard them crying before and didn’t bother to check.

If you had been in this situation, would you have just asked and left it at that, kept pestering them until they told you what as wrong, or just mind your own business?

I feel like I’m over thinking this. I’m trying not to, but I know that I am. Let me know in your comments.

Train of Thought(s)

So it’s 1 am, and I’m so tired that my minds running like a get away train.

You know when you’re about to fall asleep and all those thoughts come rushing in, so you start thinking all these really deep things.

For example, last night before falling asleep I questioned why I was wearing black all week. I sure wasn’t grieving. I mean, nobody died… then I thought, “Maybe I’m just reflecting what I’m feeling on the inside? I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps…let’s face it I’m depressed.”

When you actually admit it to yourself, there’s this feeling you get. It’s not this feeling that you’re depressed, it’s this feeling like your choking from the inside. Like you wanna scream but you can’t.

I try not to admit those kind of things to myself. I’m scared of being crazy. I don’t think I’m crazy, but if I were crazy I don’t think anyone would ever talk to me. I’m lonely enough thanks. Just thinking things like that bugs me. Then again, a lot of things bug me lately. It rains too much, it’s too cold, people are too damn loud or too damn quiet. There’s not enough lighting, or it’s too bright. I’m thinking so much about everything that I can’t think at all. Its driving me up the wall. Up. The. Bloody. Wall.

You ever feel like you just wanna hit somebody? You know you won’t actually hit anyone, but you want to. You just wanna clench your fist and swing your arm real fast till smack, there she goes…and you can just stare at yourself in disbelief because you really hit that guy. Poor fella…didn’t really deserve it. You were just having a bad day.

I’ve felt like hitting someone lately and that someone is myself. Talk about beating yourself up. I literally would love to. If I could, I’d clone myself and beat myself to a pulp…I call myself an idiot in my head. I do it all the time. I’d never say it aloud. That’d be admitting to it. When words are said out loud they come true. They don’t come true when you think and un-think them. All this thinking and un-thinking…exhausting. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep. My minds racing. Worst part of it is, I can function on little sleep without coffee. I’ve had coffee twice in my life. It’s awful stuff. Bitter. I’ve got a sweet tooth. I’d rather drink pop or a cup of tea with three large spoons of sugar. That’s why I’ve had so many cavities in the past…it’s all this dang sugar. I can’t wait till I can go home. Don’t get me wrong, living on my own is fun and all, I can leave my room messy without my mom nagging me about it, and I don’t have anyone complaining to me about anything, but I need to get home. I feel like if I don’t get home I’ll break.

One can pretend they’re okay for so long until they just break.

I’m so tired my eyes sting. They’re watering. I’d sleep if I could…I sure would…but these dang thoughts just keep on coming. I’ve gotta get up for class at 8 am. It’s 2 now. I’m feeling hungry, light headed…feeling awful. Just awful. Why can’t I just push a button and say, “Racing thoughts let me sleep. Do not make another peep!” These thoughts make me sad…real sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Guess there is something wrong with me. I still haven’t changed outta these dirty clothes and I’m talking to a brick wall. Yah a bloody, cold brick wall. Nothing’s getting through that thing. If I were a brick wall I’d be better off. No more of this feeling like beating myself up and curling up at night staring at the ceiling. No more being a big suck. No sir, I’d be unmovable…unless you took something and smashed me in. You’d need a wrecking ball for that. Sadly, I’m no brick wall….not emotionally anyways.

Some people must think I’m unapproachable but I just don’t approach people. There’s a difference. I like people. I like to watch them, talk to them….but I over think before I say anything. So instead of worrying myself about what I should say, I don’t say anything at all. Makes things much easier on me…being shy and all.

These are the kind of things that run through my head constantly. It’s like a runaway train. There’s no stopping it. It just keeps speeding down this track. I never know where it’ll end up…I think that’s the depressing part. Not knowing.