Hopes and Fears

In our lives there will always be hopes and fears popping in and out of our heads. Some nights they dance about as I try to shut my eyes and scatter about the room as I toss and turn, trying to settle my mind. When I wake up I’m in a daze before they come rushing back.

I try to wake up feeling excited versus anxious, about the things to come. I try not to think of the ever-growing list of things I need to do for the day and take my time getting ready. Still by the time I realize I’m running behind schedule, these hopes and fears are there waiting by the door. I try to keep them locked up but they must have figured out how to climb through the window.

No matter. I can always stick my headphones in and ignore them. The music will drown them out…although I do like the hopes very much, so I let them dance while I walk to the rhythm of the morning. They’re warm like the sun and brush gently across my skin. They make my heart pound heavily, but the heaviness is nice…it lets me know that I’m still alive and as I get lost in my hopes I pull out my phone and suddenly fear sinks its teeth into me.

Being late, not having things done, forgetting something back at home…all of the little fears that poke and pick at me throughout the day. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore them and other times I can’t. I think about kicking them, or stomping on them…but at the same time being so carefree isn’t always a good thing. Things need to get done. I have places I need to go, people I need to meet, work I need to finish…and the ever-growing list of little fears pushes me to get them done. My heart races when the fears start to slither about. They slip between my ankles, wrap around my throat…they nearly suffocate me…and yet I’m still alive.

My hopes  tug at me and my fears start to pull back. Both clawing at my arms and legs and face. I can’t seem to decide which way to go, so I sit in the grey…and I wait. I procrastinate. I pretend everything is nothing, and that nothing is everything. It’s a numb place to be, and very boring…there’s no music or colour. There are no hopes and no fears…so I let them back in and let the battle begin, until night-time comes again and I begin to dream.

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Selling Your Soul to Pay off Student Loans

Student’s find money stressful. Why? Well, books cost arm and a leg and applications cost you an organ or two and then paying back all of those loans…you’ll have to sell your soul.

It’s sad honestly how many nights I lie awake thinking about money. How much do I have for food? Do I have enough for rent? What happened to that money my uncle sent me for my birthday?

I was brought up knowing how to manage my money to some extent. For starters, I know that I am better off being sure that I have enough money to cover my rent for three to four months versus worrying about money for food. Food is important yes, but it’s less expensive than rent and if necessary I can live off of mac n’ cheese and toast.

Even though I try my best to budget and move numbers around I constantly feel uneasy about how much money I have. I try to make sure I have actual cash on hand in case of an emergency and also because I think it’s stupid to use debit for a purchase under $10, however despite taking these precautions it only seems to add to this weird…financial anxiety.

I’m not a big spender…unless you count books, but recently I’ve been reading comic books on Line Webtoon, so I’m not tempted to go out and buy a new book every chance I get. I also make sure to use my student discount every chance I get, and collect points at certain stores that I shop at frequently…like Chapters and Curry’s. It isn’t like I’m spending money every chance I get. The money I got for Christmas I used to pay for school and part of my rent…I still have bills to pay this week so that’ll be…just…yah.

I don’t know. If I could get a part-time job right now I would but my schedules packed…so I’m looking for paid surveys and things that I can do when I have an hour to myself or when I can’t fall asleep at night. I know that they increased minimum wage and all, but honestly…it isn’t going to make much of a difference. I worked two jobs over the summer, and I only made enough money to cover a few months of rent, and books. I have friends who work multiple jobs year round and I don’t know how they manage. I get worn out from placements, shows, meetings, classes and assignments. I can’t imagine doing all of that while working two jobs. They sad thing about my summer jobs is my one job caused a lot of unnecessary stress and my parents told me to quit, however I stayed because I knew I couldn’t afford to quit. That job was only part time on weekends. My other job was full-time during the week. I loved my full time job. I’d do it again in a heart beat. It’s closely related to what I’m going to school for anyways and I felt fulfilled doing it. Not to mention that people actually cared about my well-being and wanted to hire me as a private tutor for their kids. I’d be rich if I lived in town. I had to carpool with my Dad two hours every morning to work so…that’s the downside to the job.

I don’t know…I just wish things weren’t so expensive and I could live my life without having to freak out every time I spend a dime. I obviously can’t afford to buy a car any time soon. I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford one.

When my uncle was in university he could work all summer and have enough money to last him both semesters. I don’t understand why that had to change.

What I’d really like, is if school was free. I’m sure if it was they’d just charge us more for the textbooks though. They’ll get you one way or another.

Welp…this was my little rant about money. I’m hungry…so I’m going to try to think of what to eat.

Till next time,

–R.

The Ramblings of an Over Tired Writer

I’ve been really tired lately…and I know that it’s probably my own fault. I don’t sleep. I crawl into bed at night, and I read. I don’t know when I end up going to bed most of the time. It’s pretty bad. I hate feeling tired.

I can’t keep my eyes open and I’m bleeding for some odd reason. Who knew such a small cut would gush out so much blood? It stings too. I felt like a baby trying to clean it out.

I want to go back to bed. I want to be a responsible adult. Decisions, decisions. If I go back to sleep who knows if I’ll be up and ready to go by twelve or eleven o’clock? Besides, I’m already dressed.

I honestly can’t fall asleep without reading these days. Even if I’m tired, I stay up and I read for an hour or two. If I don’t I just lie there and stare at walls, or memorize the patterns on my pillow case.

Writing about not sleeping is making me feel sleepy.

I really just want to stay home but I know if I do I’ll regret it. I’m that person who will think on a decision for hours upon hours. That’s probably why I’m always lying in bed thinking. Sometimes I just end up in a mood where I don’t really feel like doing anything at all. Then I’ll sleep for half the day and later beat myself up for wasting time.

Last night before falling asleep I was thinking about how great it would be if I never got tired, and I could just be awake all the time. I’d get so many things done. I seem to always want to do everything around 8pm. You’d think I’d learn that it’s easier to work during the day time.

Maybe I will go back to bed for an hour? At this rate I really don’t feel like running around trying to get stuff done before my lab. Not to mention I can’t really keep my eyes open. I need to fix my sleep schedule. I really need  set bedtime. I have morning classes. I’ll need to be in class at 9am for the rest of the week. Thank goodness I don’t have many classes this semester.

I think I’m just burnt out after working two jobs all summer and from last school years mess of events…. I was beyond stressed. I don’t know how I got through all of that. I guess being stupidly optimistic about things is a good trait…always trying to see the bright side of every situation. Still…I can’t help but feel that all traits have binaries. There’s a good and bad side to everything. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately when creating characters. I realize that the their strengths are  also their flaws. For example, say there’s a character named Alfonse…just because I wanna give them a name…anyway Alfonse is a very passionate and dedicated person. Although those sound like good traits, they can also be bad. Sometimes passion drives us to do things that we later regret…and sometimes we dedicate ourselves to things that in reality weren’t worth all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into it. Optimistic people are always trying to keep things bright and full of energy but when it isn’t good to always turn a blind eye to your current situation. Sometimes we are given certain challenges so that we can grow. If you keep avoiding everything, or sugar-coating your situation, you won’t grow and it will slowly become something that you’re unable to control. People who are empathetic, tend to carry too much on their shoulders. They’re constantly trying to fix things while they fall apart themselves.

I don’t really know how I went from talking about sleep to my strange thought process…but these are the types of things that pop into my head whenever I try to fall asleep. Even now, before I close my laptop and throw a blanket over my head, I’ll probably end up thinking “Why did I go back to sleep? I could’ve finished all of this stuff by now. Why did I waste all this time? I hate when I do this….” I’m glad I don’t take any medication to help me sleep. I’m a light sleeper…but I love to dream…that is when I do sleep. Dreams are interesting. I guess if I’m dreaming then I am awake even when I’m asleep. I see things. I go places. I get a lot done. Sometimes I’m sad when I wake up from a good dream. It’s like you live this different life and then BAM, you’re back in reality.

 

Falling Asleep

Although I enjoy my new job, balancing my fulltime and part-time jobs is tiring. I find myself falling asleep at the end of the day, and wishing that I had more energy. I haven’t had much time for editing either. It doesn’t help that I’m driving into the city for work everyday. It’s three hours of my life in the car. I don’t know if I’ve ever spent over three hours sleeping before. I’m one of those people that wakes up a few times in the night. Strangely, I’m able to nap during the day no problem.

The good thing about my job is that my students are wonderful. They’ve been having a lot of fun, and they make every single day worth it.

Hopefully now that I’ve finished up some of my lesson plans I can get some rest.

Work? Sleep?

I can’t believe that after having two days straight of work, work, work…all I’ve done today is make French Toast and watch videos.

I actually have plans. I have things to do. Where did the time go? It’s 3 o’clock already! I need to get to work!

I just wanna sleep. My throats still bugging me…I really hope I don’t have a cold. Yesterday my headache was so bad, I don’t know how I went from 6 am to 10 pm. Welcome to the world of, working two jobs. I actually got offered a third today. I had to turn it down. It was good money too…like…more than I’m making at my new job and my new job pays me a couple of cents more than my old one. Like…they were gonna give me a whole $2 more! Oh well…there’s always next summer. I can’t afford to quit my old job because of school fees.

I like it…I do…but the stress last year nearly pushed me over the edge. I’m so glad 2016 is gone. 2017 has been really good to me.

Hopefully this year I’ll be able to achieve some of my goals. There are things that I really want to do, and I’m seriously putting in the work. Soon, my parents won’t be able say, “You’ve been talking about this book for the last 10 years! Publish something!” because I’ll have published. Yep. Then I can go, “IN YOUR FACE!” like I used to when I beat my sister in Mario Kart.

Yah…I stopped saying it because after that she beat the game backwards. Betcha didn’t know that you could play the levels backwards. She got all gold too. Never mess with Ness.

Ha…that should be on a t-shirt.

–R.

Good News

So yesterday I received  news that I got the job I’d applied for…but not only did I get the job, they gave me a position higher than the one I’d applied for because of the references I gave them.

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I’m really excited for the training and the experience. I know that this is going to be a great opportunity for me, and will benefit me in the near future.

I also managed to add in a scene to my novel that I’d been trying to work out in my head for a couple of weeks now. It took a while but I got it to fit. I also managed to get some really good feedback on it, and edited it accordingly. I really enjoyed the scene honestly. I think it’s pretty intense, and adds more perspective to the situation at hand. Before, the situation didn’t seem as urgent but now it’s like “Oh no! We gotta do something!”

OMG

Yah, I’m feeling pretty blessed right now. Things were pretty rough a while back and in merely a couple of hours all that stress just disappeared. Soon, I’ll be going on a trip to the city, where I’ll be…doing a lot of nerdy stuff, but hey it’s my thing. Some people collect wine, some people are sports fanatics…I like cartoons and anime.

If you like anime or you just like more action thriller type shows I recommend 91 Days. It’s seriously underrated and I’m definitely going to watch it again.

Anyway, I’m supposed to be editing write now but I’ve had a pretty bad headache since yesterday so I think I’m gonna go back to bed for a little bit. Maybe a half hour or so…cause right now despite being in a great mood my body is telling me I need to take it easy. Maybe I can convince my sister to go for a walk later. A bit of fresh air might help. I have a ton of stuff to get done today though…regarding my new job that is. I’ll have it done this afternoon…just have to set up my scanner and what not. I know it’s out of ink though. My printer/scanner is stupid. If it runs out of ink…say it runs out of the yellow one? I can’t print in black and white. I can’t print at all. I can’t scan either. Scanning an image onto my computer has NOTHING to do with printing and using ink. I never said, “Scan and photocopy.” It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I really don’t want to spend anymore money. It was hard enough trying to save up for this trip…never lend people money. It’s nice to help people and all…but I really don’t think I’m going to lend money to anyone again…especially not family. For some reason family members like to take advantage of your kindness…and abuse it more than friends do. Most of the friends I’ve had who tried to abuse my kindness…we aren’t friends anymore. The moment I stopped being nice, they got upset. Oh well. Anyway, don’t lend people money, and don’t get mad if they don’t in a months time because they obviously never had any intention of giving you your money back. Just…trust me.

Yah…I need to curl up into a ball and sleep for a bit. I considered having a light breakfast but I don’t even want to get off my butt. I hate sleeping in. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of the day when I do…but I really need to lay down.

Till next time,

–R.

School…Stuff…Woo…

There are many nights where I’m sitting around trying to finish and assignment…and then the blasted word count gets me. Honestly, there is only so much a person can say about the symbolism of a particular object within a text. I just want to slam my face down into the mattress and let this bed swallow me whole.

More Nanowrimo Updates

Last night I was up until 3 am writing. I honestly couldn’t stop. I must’ve spent the entire evening working. I guess not working on anything other than essays for a month let all my creativity and imagination build up. I haven’t been able to keep my hands away from a blank page all week. Its incredible.

So its 10 am now. I don’t really know how much sleep I got, nor do I really care. I’m a night owl and a rooster. Up all hours of the day if required. I enjoy sleeping, but whenever I sleep in I feel as though I’ve wasted my day.

The plan right now is to do some character designs, as I’ve finally fleshed out another group of characters.

I’ve got homework to get done today as well, so I’ll probably alternate between the two. Hopefully I don’t get absorbed into my writing and forget about the important work I need to do.

 

Break

I just finished my midterm exams, and I’m now on my long-awaited break. I’ve seriously needed this…I’ve been under so much stress lately, it’s been effecting my health. Now I have this time at home to catch up on sleep, do my homework and get myself back into my usual schedule. I’m just glad that I was able to write my exams without completely losing it. I haven’t slept well in about four weeks….these last two nights I’ve slept like a baby.

So, I’ve been doing character designs recently for one of the novels I’ve been working away at. I’ve found it really relaxing lately, as I was so focused on writing essays I didn’t really get the chance to do any of my own work.

Anyway, I’ll try to post some more while I’m home. Hopefully I start to feel better. My stomachs been bugging me all week…not sure why. I did have a fever a while back and some people said that it hits you, and then the bug comes back once you think its gone…so I’m just praying that it isn’t coming back because I’d really like to do something this week other than lie in bed.

Till next time,

— R.