Thinking and Moving

I’m slowly getting settled in to my new apartment. My room is slightly larger than the one I had at the old place…however there are pesky little bugs everywhere. It’s disgusting really. We were promised that this place would be cleaned out properly over the summer, however that obviously never happened. The first two days were spent cleaning. I had to re-wash all of my clothing, towels and such that had been kept here over the summer. Everything is coming together though. I’m sure by the end of the week it’ll feel a little more like home.

As for my editing progress, I haven’t had a chance to do anything this week. However, I have two days a week off this semester, so I’ll be dedicating those days to working on my personal projects, at least until I have assignments and such to do. Then of course I’ll need to use that time for other things.

I still have a lot of things that I need to get done today. Seems I’ve lost my water filter…and a few other dishes which is bizarre. I know that they were packed away together but I have yet to find them. Honestly, I don’t think I can afford to buy a new one. They’re between $15-$30, but I still need to purchase my books for school, and pay my bills. I suppose in the long run having the filter is better than spending money on large water bottles an jugs every week.

I’ve considered getting a part-time job, but I just finished working two jobs and on top of that it’s my final year. I need to focus on my grades and I have to begin applying for graduate school. There’s a lot that I need to think about right now, which if I could I’d put it all off and forget the fact that I have responsibilities at all. Sadly, I’m one of those people who spend hours upon hours thinking about life, planning my next move, daydreaming about when and where. I’m always thinking about something. Unless I’m really engaged in a project or I’m captivated by a good book…I’m thinking about nothing and everything.

Well, I still have to eat my breakfast so I’d better get started on that. I’m pretty tired out right now. I’m surprised that I crawled out of bed at 8 o’clock this morning. Yesterday I was in bed until 11…which never happens. I’m an early riser. Id like to spent a few hours relaxing before I get rolling…I really don’t feel like doing much at all today. I’ll try to keep my spirits high. Try not to stress myself out over money like I did all summer.

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Perhaps Thoughts Are Like Dogs?

Well, I’m up so I thought I’d do a little research, drink some lemonade and let my thoughts run wild (as they do constantly).

I keep debating on whether or not now is a good time to work on one of my two novels (one is in a binder and one is on my laptop) but I’m worried once I start, my mind will become more active than it is now and I’ll have trouble getting back to sleep. What’s worse is that I’m craving a popsicle and I’m trying to lose weight. Midnight snacking is probably the worst thing I can do to myself right now…but I really want it. They’re just sitting in my freezer, waiting….

Anyway, to avoid indulging in sweets and letting my hour run the other day completely go to waste, I should probably try to fall asleep again. At least staring at the screen and colouring with my Crayola markers helped me relax my thoughts a little. Perhaps thoughts are like dogs…they get really hyper when they hear somebody coming to the door, or when they hear words like walk, and so they suddenly are jumping all over you and running around trying to get your attention. That is exactly how thoughts are…at least mine. They’re like “Did someone say walk? Walk reminds me of outside, which reminds me the weather is really nice today. Did you notice the way the sun was just sitting on the lake this morning? Ooh! That would be fun to write about! Oh did someone say pizza? I want pizza! Pizza tastes sooooo yummy! Like…pizza,” and they don’t stop until you offer them a nice old belly rub or a scratch behind the ears.

I’m going to do my best to fall asleep again. I promised myself I’d only exercise and study these next two days. Plus I need to eventually pick up some birthday gifts…if I end up working on my novels or doing concept art or storyboarding I’ll end up doing that for more than half the day and I won’t end up getting done what needs to be done. I just get really immersed in my work…and get lost in La La Land as my grade one teacher called it.

Good morning/night everyone. Wishing you all the best today!

— R.

Train of Thought(s)

So it’s 1 am, and I’m so tired that my minds running like a get away train.

You know when you’re about to fall asleep and all those thoughts come rushing in, so you start thinking all these really deep things.

For example, last night before falling asleep I questioned why I was wearing black all week. I sure wasn’t grieving. I mean, nobody died… then I thought, “Maybe I’m just reflecting what I’m feeling on the inside? I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps…let’s face it I’m depressed.”

When you actually admit it to yourself, there’s this feeling you get. It’s not this feeling that you’re depressed, it’s this feeling like your choking from the inside. Like you wanna scream but you can’t.

I try not to admit those kind of things to myself. I’m scared of being crazy. I don’t think I’m crazy, but if I were crazy I don’t think anyone would ever talk to me. I’m lonely enough thanks. Just thinking things like that bugs me. Then again, a lot of things bug me lately. It rains too much, it’s too cold, people are too damn loud or too damn quiet. There’s not enough lighting, or it’s too bright. I’m thinking so much about everything that I can’t think at all. Its driving me up the wall. Up. The. Bloody. Wall.

You ever feel like you just wanna hit somebody? You know you won’t actually hit anyone, but you want to. You just wanna clench your fist and swing your arm real fast till smack, there she goes…and you can just stare at yourself in disbelief because you really hit that guy. Poor fella…didn’t really deserve it. You were just having a bad day.

I’ve felt like hitting someone lately and that someone is myself. Talk about beating yourself up. I literally would love to. If I could, I’d clone myself and beat myself to a pulp…I call myself an idiot in my head. I do it all the time. I’d never say it aloud. That’d be admitting to it. When words are said out loud they come true. They don’t come true when you think and un-think them. All this thinking and un-thinking…exhausting. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep. My minds racing. Worst part of it is, I can function on little sleep without coffee. I’ve had coffee twice in my life. It’s awful stuff. Bitter. I’ve got a sweet tooth. I’d rather drink pop or a cup of tea with three large spoons of sugar. That’s why I’ve had so many cavities in the past…it’s all this dang sugar. I can’t wait till I can go home. Don’t get me wrong, living on my own is fun and all, I can leave my room messy without my mom nagging me about it, and I don’t have anyone complaining to me about anything, but I need to get home. I feel like if I don’t get home I’ll break.

One can pretend they’re okay for so long until they just break.

I’m so tired my eyes sting. They’re watering. I’d sleep if I could…I sure would…but these dang thoughts just keep on coming. I’ve gotta get up for class at 8 am. It’s 2 now. I’m feeling hungry, light headed…feeling awful. Just awful. Why can’t I just push a button and say, “Racing thoughts let me sleep. Do not make another peep!” These thoughts make me sad…real sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Guess there is something wrong with me. I still haven’t changed outta these dirty clothes and I’m talking to a brick wall. Yah a bloody, cold brick wall. Nothing’s getting through that thing. If I were a brick wall I’d be better off. No more of this feeling like beating myself up and curling up at night staring at the ceiling. No more being a big suck. No sir, I’d be unmovable…unless you took something and smashed me in. You’d need a wrecking ball for that. Sadly, I’m no brick wall….not emotionally anyways.

Some people must think I’m unapproachable but I just don’t approach people. There’s a difference. I like people. I like to watch them, talk to them….but I over think before I say anything. So instead of worrying myself about what I should say, I don’t say anything at all. Makes things much easier on me…being shy and all.

These are the kind of things that run through my head constantly. It’s like a runaway train. There’s no stopping it. It just keeps speeding down this track. I never know where it’ll end up…I think that’s the depressing part. Not knowing.

Getting There

As I may have mentioned before on my blog, I prefer to write novels, however this year I have been forced to begin working on creating short stories.
I have to say, I have improved, however I’m still trying to build confidence in myself, as I am often worried about the length and or getting the actual story across.
My most recent short story is only at the beginning and I put it on hold for a couple of days, as I began to stress over it. I pretty much wanted to grab a bag of chips and eat, and eat, and eat which staring at the screen with a blank face like, “God help me.”
Actually, I believe I asked God to help me, and to have mercy upon my soul while forming the idea in my head.
You see, this short story is to be read by universities and looked at by famous local authors. So just try to imagine the amount of pressure you’d be under if you were trying to not only impress local authors but university professors and also get money to help pay for your schooling.
I’m just saying, it’s pretty intense. Wow I feel so loose today writing this. Ha, this is different.
Anyways, I’ll be working on my short story again today. Hopefully I can stop feeling so nervous. I mean, I’m sure it will be fine, and I’ll be getting it looked at by my teacher and will be having it edited by my peers. I don’t feel like I have anything to worry about…. I refuse to bail this time.
Two years ago I meant to enter this competition and I chickened out. I’m going to do it. I won’t talk myself out of it again.
I needed to get this off my chest. I haven’t written a length post in a while, so this is nice. A little venting is great, especially in these situations.

Well happy reading/blogging to everyone.
Hope you all have a great week.
I’ll be sure to update you…I swear I won’t bail out this time!

Orion.

By the way, I forced myself not to edit this… I have homework and well, if I take the time to edit this instead of working on mu entry and doing my homework then I’d be wasting time, which I sort of already did by writing this post.

Solve My Riddle…

Solve My Riddle!

— The grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge from Dora the Explora.

I haven’t asked anyone to solve a riddle in maybe two years now. That’s a long time.

So here’s a riddle: You give someone a dollar. You are this persons brother but the person is not your brother. How is the possible?

 

Just breathe. R…

Just breathe. Remain calm. Everything will be okay. There is nothing to worry about. You are over reacting. Just explain what happened to your teacher. Your teacher is a really nice lady. You’ve never done anything to make her mad. You’re a good student. Stop freaking out. Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself. You did fine on the assignment. Yah you could have done better but you have two other assignments due.

My conscience trying to slow down my heart rate…

I can’t believe I did that…