“What’s it mean when somebodies heart is broken?” – Curly.T

Trying to explain what it means to have a broken heart to a child is extremely difficult. They think of it like a broken bone, something that you can see and mend…however in reality broken hearts are hidden within us, beneath our outer shells.

Sure, some of us have hearts that aren’t very strong, or don’t work they way they should…but we don’t say our hearts our broken when they’re off beat or they burst out of control. We say they’re under attack.

Until today, I never realized how we view our hearts. When I think of my heart, I think of a vessel pumping in my chest but I also think of the vast emotions that I feel and the memories associated with them. I wonder why our hearts feel as though they clench whenever we’re in pain? Or why they race rapidly when we’re nervous, or why our hearts flutter whenever we’re in love?

I don’t think a broken heart can be properly explained. It is one of those things that you have to feel to actually understand…and for the little girl who asked, I hope she doesn’t feel that sort of pain for a very, very long time…even though it is a necessary feeling that we all need in order to grow.

–R.

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Perhaps Thoughts Are Like Dogs?

Well, I’m up so I thought I’d do a little research, drink some lemonade and let my thoughts run wild (as they do constantly).

I keep debating on whether or not now is a good time to work on one of my two novels (one is in a binder and one is on my laptop) but I’m worried once I start, my mind will become more active than it is now and I’ll have trouble getting back to sleep. What’s worse is that I’m craving a popsicle and I’m trying to lose weight. Midnight snacking is probably the worst thing I can do to myself right now…but I really want it. They’re just sitting in my freezer, waiting….

Anyway, to avoid indulging in sweets and letting my hour run the other day completely go to waste, I should probably try to fall asleep again. At least staring at the screen and colouring with my Crayola markers helped me relax my thoughts a little. Perhaps thoughts are like dogs…they get really hyper when they hear somebody coming to the door, or when they hear words like walk, and so they suddenly are jumping all over you and running around trying to get your attention. That is exactly how thoughts are…at least mine. They’re like “Did someone say walk? Walk reminds me of outside, which reminds me the weather is really nice today. Did you notice the way the sun was just sitting on the lake this morning? Ooh! That would be fun to write about! Oh did someone say pizza? I want pizza! Pizza tastes sooooo yummy! Like…pizza,” and they don’t stop until you offer them a nice old belly rub or a scratch behind the ears.

I’m going to do my best to fall asleep again. I promised myself I’d only exercise and study these next two days. Plus I need to eventually pick up some birthday gifts…if I end up working on my novels or doing concept art or storyboarding I’ll end up doing that for more than half the day and I won’t end up getting done what needs to be done. I just get really immersed in my work…and get lost in La La Land as my grade one teacher called it.

Good morning/night everyone. Wishing you all the best today!

— R.

If I Were Mean

Sometimes being a nice person can be a burden.

I wonder if it’s easier to be mean? Some days I wonder if I should be mean…but mean simply isn’t me. I’m simply not mean. If I was mean, I wouldn’t be me and if I’m not myself then I’m no one.

— O. Ryder

Reading Plays for School

Back in elementary school and high school (primary and secondary), whenever we would read a play, we would read it aloud and act it out.

Last semester, when I started university, we read two plays, which our professor had playing on the screen for us. We would read along. Sometimes he would read each passage two us. The entire time we read the plays together. He said, “Plays are meant to be heard and seen, not just read.” He told us of the importance of acting out the play and explained that it was the only way one could be impacted by the play.

Even this semester, our professors tell us that the best way to understand a play is to read it aloud. They say that it is easier to hear the characters voice that way…however in our lectures and seminars we rarely read anything aloud. Why? Because everyone thinks that we students do not want to.

Yes there are people who loathe the idea of reading aloud in front of the class…especially if they have to act. However there are people who do enjoy it. So why not have those people perform a scene then have the rest of the students discuss it? It’s a win, win for everybody. We would all benefit, as the actors would be in character, therefore understanding the play that way and the audience would get an understanding of the play by watching it.

It’s so odd not actually reading anything aloud to one another or acting things out. My first year is practically over and though I’ve enjoyed all of my classes, I feel as though we should either have some sort of way to properly approach plays, or not even bother studying them. I mean, what’s the point of simply opening up a play and reading the dialogue? I’m almost positive that a lot of people pop it open and only read the dialogue. They don’t really care about the stage directions. Why do they matter if they’re not acting it out? It’s just extra reading to do, and when you’ve got 4 other books to read on top of that the play seems pointless.

If the play is interactive (as it was meant to be), then people take more interest in it and maybe I’m just being bias here but I think they enjoy it more.

You should not and cannot simply read the lines of a play. It has to be approached the way it was meant to be performed. If it isn’t done that way then there’s absolutely no point in reading it at all. It is impossible for people to completely understand a play by just skimming the dialogue.

Well, that’s my little rant for the day but I’d love to hear your thoughts on this? Feel free to answer one or all of those questions in your comments.

Do you agree or disagree? Are plays just a pain in the but to study period (whether performed or simply read)? What was your favourite play to study in school?

I Can’t Sleep

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I can’t sleep.

The lights keep flickering.

Pop in the bed.

Voices in my head

Are telling me I should sleep.

I don’t listen.

Am I broken?

Am I alive or dead?

No in between.

I’m numb but I breath in.

You call my name.

I don’t reply.

You watch me build a wall.

Every brick I place it falls.

Nothing’s wrong.

Still it’s not right.

Somebody tell me

Why can’t I

Sleep at night?

Train of Thought(s)

So it’s 1 am, and I’m so tired that my minds running like a get away train.

You know when you’re about to fall asleep and all those thoughts come rushing in, so you start thinking all these really deep things.

For example, last night before falling asleep I questioned why I was wearing black all week. I sure wasn’t grieving. I mean, nobody died… then I thought, “Maybe I’m just reflecting what I’m feeling on the inside? I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps…let’s face it I’m depressed.”

When you actually admit it to yourself, there’s this feeling you get. It’s not this feeling that you’re depressed, it’s this feeling like your choking from the inside. Like you wanna scream but you can’t.

I try not to admit those kind of things to myself. I’m scared of being crazy. I don’t think I’m crazy, but if I were crazy I don’t think anyone would ever talk to me. I’m lonely enough thanks. Just thinking things like that bugs me. Then again, a lot of things bug me lately. It rains too much, it’s too cold, people are too damn loud or too damn quiet. There’s not enough lighting, or it’s too bright. I’m thinking so much about everything that I can’t think at all. Its driving me up the wall. Up. The. Bloody. Wall.

You ever feel like you just wanna hit somebody? You know you won’t actually hit anyone, but you want to. You just wanna clench your fist and swing your arm real fast till smack, there she goes…and you can just stare at yourself in disbelief because you really hit that guy. Poor fella…didn’t really deserve it. You were just having a bad day.

I’ve felt like hitting someone lately and that someone is myself. Talk about beating yourself up. I literally would love to. If I could, I’d clone myself and beat myself to a pulp…I call myself an idiot in my head. I do it all the time. I’d never say it aloud. That’d be admitting to it. When words are said out loud they come true. They don’t come true when you think and un-think them. All this thinking and un-thinking…exhausting. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep. My minds racing. Worst part of it is, I can function on little sleep without coffee. I’ve had coffee twice in my life. It’s awful stuff. Bitter. I’ve got a sweet tooth. I’d rather drink pop or a cup of tea with three large spoons of sugar. That’s why I’ve had so many cavities in the past…it’s all this dang sugar. I can’t wait till I can go home. Don’t get me wrong, living on my own is fun and all, I can leave my room messy without my mom nagging me about it, and I don’t have anyone complaining to me about anything, but I need to get home. I feel like if I don’t get home I’ll break.

One can pretend they’re okay for so long until they just break.

I’m so tired my eyes sting. They’re watering. I’d sleep if I could…I sure would…but these dang thoughts just keep on coming. I’ve gotta get up for class at 8 am. It’s 2 now. I’m feeling hungry, light headed…feeling awful. Just awful. Why can’t I just push a button and say, “Racing thoughts let me sleep. Do not make another peep!” These thoughts make me sad…real sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Guess there is something wrong with me. I still haven’t changed outta these dirty clothes and I’m talking to a brick wall. Yah a bloody, cold brick wall. Nothing’s getting through that thing. If I were a brick wall I’d be better off. No more of this feeling like beating myself up and curling up at night staring at the ceiling. No more being a big suck. No sir, I’d be unmovable…unless you took something and smashed me in. You’d need a wrecking ball for that. Sadly, I’m no brick wall….not emotionally anyways.

Some people must think I’m unapproachable but I just don’t approach people. There’s a difference. I like people. I like to watch them, talk to them….but I over think before I say anything. So instead of worrying myself about what I should say, I don’t say anything at all. Makes things much easier on me…being shy and all.

These are the kind of things that run through my head constantly. It’s like a runaway train. There’s no stopping it. It just keeps speeding down this track. I never know where it’ll end up…I think that’s the depressing part. Not knowing.

As I Sit Amongst My Peers: 9/11

As I sit amongst my peers, I remain silent. My eyes wander aimlessly. I find myself staring at the neatly written words at the top of the board: that was when I was reminded. Today is 9/11.

                When the events happened 12 years ago I was too young to understand. Still I do my best to be respectful of those who lost their lives in that tragedy.

                I then find myself, thinking about life itself, and how fragile it can be. My thoughts bounce back and forth: do I fear death? No. Am I afraid of anything…? I used to be. As time passes, I simply wonder about many things. Why did they put up new buildings at ground zero? Are those buildings being used? Does anyone despise them? How did it feel knowing you’d never see your loved ones again…I knew how it felt, losing many loved ones recently that summer, but I wasn’t close with them. What would I do if I lost someone so dear to me? Honestly, I don’t know.

                I’m not an American, nor was I old enough to remember the events of 9/11…but for all of those who suffered from this tragic event, I wish you peace and I am very sorry for what happened.

                Personally, I believe these new buildings represent bravery, from overcoming a large obstacle, as well as closure for those who had lost someone, and most of all these buildings represent a new beginning.

                Well…that’s all. I just thought I’d share that today.

Till next time,

Orion.