Hopes and Fears

In our lives there will always be hopes and fears popping in and out of our heads. Some nights they dance about as I try to shut my eyes and scatter about the room as I toss and turn, trying to settle my mind. When I wake up I’m in a daze before they come rushing back.

I try to wake up feeling excited versus anxious, about the things to come. I try not to think of the ever-growing list of things I need to do for the day and take my time getting ready. Still by the time I realize I’m running behind schedule, these hopes and fears are there waiting by the door. I try to keep them locked up but they must have figured out how to climb through the window.

No matter. I can always stick my headphones in and ignore them. The music will drown them out…although I do like the hopes very much, so I let them dance while I walk to the rhythm of the morning. They’re warm like the sun and brush gently across my skin. They make my heart pound heavily, but the heaviness is nice…it lets me know that I’m still alive and as I get lost in my hopes I pull out my phone and suddenly fear sinks its teeth into me.

Being late, not having things done, forgetting something back at home…all of the little fears that poke and pick at me throughout the day. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore them and other times I can’t. I think about kicking them, or stomping on them…but at the same time being so carefree isn’t always a good thing. Things need to get done. I have places I need to go, people I need to meet, work I need to finish…and the ever-growing list of little fears pushes me to get them done. My heart races when the fears start to slither about. They slip between my ankles, wrap around my throat…they nearly suffocate me…and yet I’m still alive.

My hopes  tug at me and my fears start to pull back. Both clawing at my arms and legs and face. I can’t seem to decide which way to go, so I sit in the grey…and I wait. I procrastinate. I pretend everything is nothing, and that nothing is everything. It’s a numb place to be, and very boring…there’s no music or colour. There are no hopes and no fears…so I let them back in and let the battle begin, until night-time comes again and I begin to dream.

Selling Your Soul to Pay off Student Loans

Student’s find money stressful. Why? Well, books cost arm and a leg and applications cost you an organ or two and then paying back all of those loans…you’ll have to sell your soul.

It’s sad honestly how many nights I lie awake thinking about money. How much do I have for food? Do I have enough for rent? What happened to that money my uncle sent me for my birthday?

I was brought up knowing how to manage my money to some extent. For starters, I know that I am better off being sure that I have enough money to cover my rent for three to four months versus worrying about money for food. Food is important yes, but it’s less expensive than rent and if necessary I can live off of mac n’ cheese and toast.

Even though I try my best to budget and move numbers around I constantly feel uneasy about how much money I have. I try to make sure I have actual cash on hand in case of an emergency and also because I think it’s stupid to use debit for a purchase under $10, however despite taking these precautions it only seems to add to this weird…financial anxiety.

I’m not a big spender…unless you count books, but recently I’ve been reading comic books on Line Webtoon, so I’m not tempted to go out and buy a new book every chance I get. I also make sure to use my student discount every chance I get, and collect points at certain stores that I shop at frequently…like Chapters and Curry’s. It isn’t like I’m spending money every chance I get. The money I got for Christmas I used to pay for school and part of my rent…I still have bills to pay this week so that’ll be…just…yah.

I don’t know. If I could get a part-time job right now I would but my schedules packed…so I’m looking for paid surveys and things that I can do when I have an hour to myself or when I can’t fall asleep at night. I know that they increased minimum wage and all, but honestly…it isn’t going to make much of a difference. I worked two jobs over the summer, and I only made enough money to cover a few months of rent, and books. I have friends who work multiple jobs year round and I don’t know how they manage. I get worn out from placements, shows, meetings, classes and assignments. I can’t imagine doing all of that while working two jobs. They sad thing about my summer jobs is my one job caused a lot of unnecessary stress and my parents told me to quit, however I stayed because I knew I couldn’t afford to quit. That job was only part time on weekends. My other job was full-time during the week. I loved my full time job. I’d do it again in a heart beat. It’s closely related to what I’m going to school for anyways and I felt fulfilled doing it. Not to mention that people actually cared about my well-being and wanted to hire me as a private tutor for their kids. I’d be rich if I lived in town. I had to carpool with my Dad two hours every morning to work so…that’s the downside to the job.

I don’t know…I just wish things weren’t so expensive and I could live my life without having to freak out every time I spend a dime. I obviously can’t afford to buy a car any time soon. I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford one.

When my uncle was in university he could work all summer and have enough money to last him both semesters. I don’t understand why that had to change.

What I’d really like, is if school was free. I’m sure if it was they’d just charge us more for the textbooks though. They’ll get you one way or another.

Welp…this was my little rant about money. I’m hungry…so I’m going to try to think of what to eat.

Till next time,

–R.

Novel Update

Editing has been going well lately. I’m nearly finished my first round of edits! I’d like to do at least three.

The amount of notes I’ve left myself over the last couple of weeks regarding work, school and…whatever else continues to grow, but I’m still at a point where I can manage. At least the work I’m doing is something that I enjoy. As my Dad said, “If you enjoy it, it isn’t really work.” Hopefully soon I can turn the things I enjoy into something profitable. Gotta pay off those student loans at some point.

I’ve got a couple of things that I’d like to get done today…a few assignments that I need to get started on, some cleaning. I seem to clean up around here every weekend. This place gets messy pretty fast. Students are always too busy for “tedious” things like cleaning…apparently. I’m a bit squeamish so I try to clean up after myself. Other peoples messes are not my problem…even if they bug me. As long as my space is clean I have somewhere I can escape to when the kitchen looks like thirty people live in our apartment. I swear…something…something in that sink smells.

Whenever I write for characters around my age I start laughing because sometimes my own thoughts bleed into the narration. I have characters who are in their early 20s, living with roommates and trying to cope with the many responsibilities of adulthood. So when I write about them stepping on weird squishy rotting fruit in the kitchen…it’s because this stuff actually happens on a day-to-day basis. I usually end up laughing my head off when I write those kind of scenarios. I usually try not to base characters off of people I know, however you gotta draw inspiration from somewhere. Even if it is your…dirty kitchen that smells like rotting milk. I can’t figure out where that smell is coming from!? If people would just wash their dishes we wouldn’t have this problem. Like, bruh there is a dishwasher! How do you have three weeks worth of dishes in the sink?

I hope my roommates never find this blog post. They’re great guys honestly, but I just…the smell is so bad! I don’t know how to describe it exactly…rotting milk with like a mixture of…I don’t know…moldy…fruit? Like when the fruit gets all fluffy and stuff. That kinda moldy.

It’s sad…when you live at home your parents tell you when stuff needs to be thrown out. When you live alone you kind of just open your fridge and go, “Hey, I forgot I made stir fry…when did I make this again? Oh…oh God…oh that’s…nope…nope uh…Lord help me….trash…sink…I think it’s moving!”

Anyway, I’d better go. Places to go. Things to do.

Enjoy your weekend.

–R.

Novel Update: And Off Topic Ramblings

Hello everyone! I hope that you’ve all been having an excellent week so far.

I got a lot of writing down the other day. The story is moving along quite nicely. I feel as though the transitions have been smooth so far…but of course I’ll know for sure once I begin editing.

…Okay this is off topic but I just gotta warn people…don’t do sit ups after you eat. I now have a really bad stomach ache.

Back on topic (ouch!), I find that writing about things such as love and romance in my novels is tough for me. I mean…I’m more of a fiction, sci-fi, historical, adventure kinda writer… I just have romance as a subplot because…well I like my characters to be as close to human as possible, you know? Thing is, I’ve never dated. I’ve never kissed anyone. I’m 19 years old okay? I don’t need to be rushing into anything. That whole high school dating thing never really got to me… my only “kiss” was on the cheek and the only time I was close to dating someone I was to chicken to make a move so I lost a good friend and a potential date. Woo! Way to go R!

As my sister would say, “You darn messed up!”

So…I had to write some romantic scenes and boy did I blush. I don’t know why, but I get really emotionally attached to my characters. I literally had to remember how I felt at age 14 when I got kissed on the cheek by my best friend…and crush at the time. It was awkward. I elbowed them in the face…. Yah…. That’s probably why I haven’t been kissed by anyone since. Maybe they all have a secret club or something where they’re like “R elbows people in the face! Don’t kiss them!”

Maybe if you didn’t sneak up on me, I wouldn’t have elbowed you? Ever think about that?

Anyways I spend enough time watching chick-flicks and Say Yes to the Dress and all that other junk. I really don’t mind it but it bothers me how all of these people are so focused on this ONE DAY. It’s not the wedding that’s important it is the life that you and your significant other will have together. I don’t understand why people can’t grasp that? It’s probably one of the big reasons why people are having issues in their marriages. They wanna go back to that “special day” when really every day should be special because you’re together, working as a team.

Well…that was off topic. It’s wedding season, and I’m planning a fictional wedding between two characters. I guess it’s not that off topic.

So, I got some writing done. Survived the two little romance scenes. I don’t know how well I’m going to create a fictional romance when I haven’t had a real romantic relationship. I’m doing my best.

Happy writing to you all! Enjoy the weather this weekend

I’ll be working…every day. Gotta pay for school somehow right? Man…education shouldn’t be this expensive. I should be able to pay for every year of school easily after working 3-4 months in the summer. It’s ridiculous.

Rockford Parent: A Simple Thing Most Parents Probably Don’t Think to Do.

Rockford Parent: A Simple Thing Most Parents Probably Don’t Think to Do.

My sister-in-law shared this article on Facebook. Because it caught my attention, I decided to check it out. Whether you are a parent, a grandparent or someone who is just curious to give this a read, I do encourage it.

Here are my thoughts on the article.

I don’t have children yet, but because I work with young children I think that yes, this is a good idea, however I think that the amount of information being asked is a bit…much? I understand the child is young and unable to communicate but at the same time there is such thing as privacy. We constantly are warned about the dangers of giving out too much personal information and yet we are encouraged to do so. Kind of contradictory if you ask me. Now if your child has say, a medical situation where they may need immediate and possibly extra attention when in that sort of situation (such as issues with their heart/lungs), I guess one could say that the more information given to the rescue team the better. I feel that this is more of an opinion based matter. Whatever information you give is up to you. I think the important part is having that peace inside, knowing that you and your young passengers are going to be helped if a situation like this ever occurs.

People who have…

People who have both parents in their lives…I don’t think they understand how important it is to have a good male role model; for both boys and girls. Just to have someone there to act as a father figure. It makes such a huge difference.

My mother.