I did a little bit of cringing today, while looking at my old writing. My sister told me it really wasn’t that bad…and I do agree, for the time it was good. The stories I told were engaging, it was merely the old idea I had, where I thought I had to use sophisticated words in my writing. I didn’t use the words incorrectly (thank God), however it gets pretty annoying after a while…like…people don’t actually talk like that.
Oh well…I’d better go. I have some editing I need to do.
“Words circulate like gold does. Books are like caves filled with treasure, and that treasure is the comes from our lips.”
— One of my English notes on Beowolf describing what “Wordhoard” is.
I can’t sleep.
The lights keep flickering.
Pop in the bed.
Voices in my head
Are telling me I should sleep.
I don’t listen.
Am I broken?
Am I alive or dead?
No in between.
I’m numb but I breath in.
You call my name.
I don’t reply.
You watch me build a wall.
Every brick I place it falls.
Nothing’s wrong.
Still it’s not right.
Somebody tell me
Why can’t I
Sleep at night?
Sounds hurt more than words.
— O. Ryder.
So it’s 1 am, and I’m so tired that my minds running like a get away train.
You know when you’re about to fall asleep and all those thoughts come rushing in, so you start thinking all these really deep things.
For example, last night before falling asleep I questioned why I was wearing black all week. I sure wasn’t grieving. I mean, nobody died… then I thought, “Maybe I’m just reflecting what I’m feeling on the inside? I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps…let’s face it I’m depressed.”
When you actually admit it to yourself, there’s this feeling you get. It’s not this feeling that you’re depressed, it’s this feeling like your choking from the inside. Like you wanna scream but you can’t.
I try not to admit those kind of things to myself. I’m scared of being crazy. I don’t think I’m crazy, but if I were crazy I don’t think anyone would ever talk to me. I’m lonely enough thanks. Just thinking things like that bugs me. Then again, a lot of things bug me lately. It rains too much, it’s too cold, people are too damn loud or too damn quiet. There’s not enough lighting, or it’s too bright. I’m thinking so much about everything that I can’t think at all. Its driving me up the wall. Up. The. Bloody. Wall.
You ever feel like you just wanna hit somebody? You know you won’t actually hit anyone, but you want to. You just wanna clench your fist and swing your arm real fast till smack, there she goes…and you can just stare at yourself in disbelief because you really hit that guy. Poor fella…didn’t really deserve it. You were just having a bad day.
I’ve felt like hitting someone lately and that someone is myself. Talk about beating yourself up. I literally would love to. If I could, I’d clone myself and beat myself to a pulp…I call myself an idiot in my head. I do it all the time. I’d never say it aloud. That’d be admitting to it. When words are said out loud they come true. They don’t come true when you think and un-think them. All this thinking and un-thinking…exhausting. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep. My minds racing. Worst part of it is, I can function on little sleep without coffee. I’ve had coffee twice in my life. It’s awful stuff. Bitter. I’ve got a sweet tooth. I’d rather drink pop or a cup of tea with three large spoons of sugar. That’s why I’ve had so many cavities in the past…it’s all this dang sugar. I can’t wait till I can go home. Don’t get me wrong, living on my own is fun and all, I can leave my room messy without my mom nagging me about it, and I don’t have anyone complaining to me about anything, but I need to get home. I feel like if I don’t get home I’ll break.
One can pretend they’re okay for so long until they just break.
I’m so tired my eyes sting. They’re watering. I’d sleep if I could…I sure would…but these dang thoughts just keep on coming. I’ve gotta get up for class at 8 am. It’s 2 now. I’m feeling hungry, light headed…feeling awful. Just awful. Why can’t I just push a button and say, “Racing thoughts let me sleep. Do not make another peep!” These thoughts make me sad…real sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Guess there is something wrong with me. I still haven’t changed outta these dirty clothes and I’m talking to a brick wall. Yah a bloody, cold brick wall. Nothing’s getting through that thing. If I were a brick wall I’d be better off. No more of this feeling like beating myself up and curling up at night staring at the ceiling. No more being a big suck. No sir, I’d be unmovable…unless you took something and smashed me in. You’d need a wrecking ball for that. Sadly, I’m no brick wall….not emotionally anyways.
Some people must think I’m unapproachable but I just don’t approach people. There’s a difference. I like people. I like to watch them, talk to them….but I over think before I say anything. So instead of worrying myself about what I should say, I don’t say anything at all. Makes things much easier on me…being shy and all.
These are the kind of things that run through my head constantly. It’s like a runaway train. There’s no stopping it. It just keeps speeding down this track. I never know where it’ll end up…I think that’s the depressing part. Not knowing.
Whether I write a little or a lot, I’m still writing.
That is all that matters.
Orion
Never pay an author by word or else they’ll never stop writing.
Orion on paying authors by word
Ever since my headphones broke my thoughts have been much clearer.
Orion still amazed by the amount of work that’s gotten done without any music in the background
Here is a really fun writing exercise that you can try!
First find yourself a dictionary (online works too but its honestly not as fun), and choose ten random words. Then after create a poem, or the introductory to a story using those words.
The story MUST have mention of a main character, and a setting.
In the comment section below, write the words you had to work with.
And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can’t find the words.
Listen to Your Heart
Not sure who wrote this song…if you do comment below 🙂
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